To Grope, Or Not To Grope
by yumi michiyo
Summary: Kagome sets Miroku a challenge: no groping, no perverted behaviour, and no infamous question for a whole month. What's a poor monk to do?
1. The Challenge

**Disclaimer: **Rumiko Takahashi owns everything. All I have is the plot.

**Author's Note: **This is what happens when you read crack. You produce crack.

Miroku's POV

This is hell. No, this is beyond hell. Kami-sama himself couldn't think of such devious torture. Kagome should take over as mistress of hell. It's her fault I am in such suffering.

It all started innocently enough, two nights ago. Our little group had set up camp for the night in a forest clearing beside a stream. Inuyasha was away from the camp, hunting for any additions to out dinner, leaving me with the ladies. It wasn't my fault that Sango had to bend over and poke the fire like that, her luscious bottom hovering just in front of my face. Surrendering to temptation, I leaned forward and caressed her.

Smack! "Hentai!" she growled, marching away further downstream to bathe, dragging Kagome and Shippou with her. I sighed, rubbing the stinging red welt, her latest addition to my face.

I believe in karma, so it was only right that the few seconds of pure bliss from rubbing that firm ass are to be followed by retribution, swift and painful. And no one could do _swift and painful_ like Sango could.

Ah, Sango. A study in contradiction. Feminine, yet fearsome in battle. Strong and yet so very vulnerable. I would never understand her but I knew I would not attempt to.

"When is Sango going to slap some sense into your thick skull, Miroku-sama?" Interrupting my thoughts, Kagome joined me beside the campfire, keeping a safe distance from me – which for the girls is always at least arm-length when I am concerned. Damn.

"Where are Sango and Shippou?" I asked innocently.

"She said she'd like to bathe longer so Shippou stayed with her. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about your lecherous tendencies."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Kagome-sama," I said smoothly. "It's this cursed hand of mine." I held it up for emphasis, wiggling the fingers.

She rolled her eyes. "Don't give me that crap. I'm the only girl whose private space you don't violate – and that's only because Inuyasha would rip your head off if you did. Honestly, Miroku-sama – don't even think about it." While we had been talking, I was stealthily inching my way towards her, hoping to get close enough for her bottom to be within groping range. Thwarted, I let out another sigh of exasperation, forcing my mouth into a smile.

"You know me too well."

The young miko snorted.

"Oh, I know plenty of your antics, you lecher. You ask every girl you meet to bear your children. I think Inuyasha put it best when he said that you'd flirt with anything that moved."

I put on a mock hurt expression. "You wound me." Kagome made another derisive noise and busied herself with the ramen that was to be our dinner.

Although I was feigning hurt, her words struck a chord inside. True, I did ask every woman to bear my child, but I was just going through the motions, like an actor goes through his script. I would seize the girl's hands, ask her the question, Sango would come over and whack me. Or I would grope Sango and she would slap me. But couldn't any of them see that I've changed? They never noticed I took no real joy in reciting my lines? Sango is the only woman for me now. The only thing is… I'm not quite ready to give up my ways, even for her. Not yet.

"Hey… Miroku-sama." I blinked and looked at Kagome. She was suddenly wearing a sly expression that should have made me instantly wary.

"Hmm?"

"Shall we have… a bet?" Her eyes fairly danced with mischief. Looking back, I should have run away as fast as my legs could carry me. But no. Like a fool, I played right into her hands.

"A bet? I have nothing to stake."

"Oh fine… then a dare?"

I stared at her in confusion. "Da – ru?"

Kagome waved a hand airily. "It's this game we play in my time. We set challenging things for the other to perform, like… um… asking Inuyasha to tell Kikyou to get lost. Or getting him to strip."

"It sounds… interesting." Already, my perverted mind was thinking up plenty of dares for Sango, most involving her clothing in some way…

"So… I challenge you!" she said happily. "Do you dare to do what I tell you, or are you a _coward_?" Kagome placed unnecessary emphasis, in my opinion, on that last word, grinning like a maniac.

I bristled. You can say that I'm a lecher, a con man, a liar and I wouldn't mind. (Because those things are kind of true.) But no one has ever called me a coward to my face!

"I'll do anything you ask me to, Kagome-sama," I replied proudly.

In retrospect… I had no idea what to expect. It was foolish enough to rush headlong into unfamiliar territory but I guess I was hoping for something easy, like retrieving an article from a mountain, or slaying a demon, or even going around half-naked. If nothing, _that_ would certainly boost my popularity with the ladies, if I do say so myself.

"Alright," she said triumphantly. "Miroku-sama… I dare you to go without groping Sango, asking other women to bear your children – actually, any lecherous behaviour – for one whole cycle of the moon. On your honour as a houshi."

I squeaked, my mouth dropping open in astonishment. Kagome sat back on her haunches, the look on her face reminiscent of the look a spider would have as it contemplated its wriggling prey, snared in its web.

That little… Why, asking me not to flirt is like… asking Naraku to play fairly. Or asking Sesshoumaru to hug Inuyasha. Eew – mental images. But that's my point. This is insanity!

"Kagome-sama…"

She grinned. "What? Are you backing out? Are you _scared_?" I grimaced.

"No!" I blurted out before I could stop myself.

"Good. The dare starts… now. And if you weaken…" Kagome gave me the most evil smile I'd ever seen, even compared to Naraku's.

My mouth dropped open again and hung there. That devious little…

"Ramen?" She offered me a bowl, smiling innocently all the while. I took it grumpily from her.

Inuyasha chose that moment to appear, holding out his hand for the ramen. "Now only the food's ready, Kagome? The sun set ages ago! What took you so long?"

She closed her eyes in exasperation, clearly fighting the temptation to sit him. "Just eat, Inuyasha."

He sensed her displeasure, nose and ears twitching but stupidly chose to ignore the warning signals. While I still could, I inched away from the angry girl.

Kami-sama, Inuyasha! Even a human like me can sense the battle aura coming off Kagome!

"Okay, but what's your problem?" That incredibly thick hanyou was only saved by the timely arrival of Sango and Shippou.

"Food! Yay!" shouted the eager little kitsune, taking the proffered bowl from Kagome and tucking in.

"Thank you, Kagome-chan," smiled Sango, taking a seat on Kagome's other side, well out of my range. I heaved a theatrical sigh.

"Really, Sango, there's quite no need to give me such a wide berth. The grass is perfectly fine on this side," I said, patting the spot beside me.

"It's not the grass I'm concerned about, Houshi-sama," she replied, two spots of colour appearing high on her cheekbones. "It's that wandering hand of yours."

I pouted, returning to my ramen.

It's not like I'm dangerous now or anything… That stupid 'da-ru' of Kagome's… I am so misunderstood.

As usual after eating, Kagome and Sango chatted as they cleared away the remnants while in the background, Inuyasha and Shippou fought over the last extra bowl of ramen. I assumed my most bored expression before deciding to make myself useful. Anything to take my mind off the hell that would be the next whole moon cycle.

"Sango, Kagome… is there anything I can do to help?" They exchanged looks, Sango eyeing me suspiciously.

Kagome looked thoughtful. "No, Miroku-sama. But it is nice of you to offer."

I nodded curtly, still slightly annoyed with her. _One whole moon cycle…_

Once the girls had finished cleaning up, they began preparing for bed, laying out their bedrolls well away from me. Inuyasha hopped into the nearest tree to take the first watch.

"Miroku, you're next," he called from his perch. "Then you, Sango, then Kagome." I nodded grumpily and leaned back, dozing off within minutes.

Even in my dreams I couldn't find respite. After a nasty nightmare about being surrounded by women who kept eluding my hands, I woke with a start, deciding to give up on sleep altogether. Inuyasha was still awake, though he looked quite tired.

"Inuyasha," I said softly. "Get some sleep. I'll take over now."

He yawned widely and bent his head, falling asleep almost immediately. With nothing else to do, I crossed my legs and meditated. The time passed quickly and it was almost time for Sango to take the watch.

I opened one eye and glanced at her. She looked so peaceful, lost in dreams that I hadn't the heart to disturb her.

Come to think of it, Kagome's challenge had one major positive outcome: Sango's trust. Perhaps she might even let me touch her without my getting smacked.

If I could last the full moon cycle, that is.


	2. Sango's Surprise

**Disclaimer: **I hereby disclaim ownership of Inuyasha for all following chapters. Now excuse me while I go cry in the corner.

Sango's POV

For some reason, Miroku seemed… _subdued_ the whole night. Kagome, on the other hand, was cheerier than usual, smiling whenever she looked at him.

I was even more bothered when I woke the next morning to find him staring at me. Not lecherously like he always did.

"Houshi-sama?" I said, surprised.

He beamed. "Good morning, Sango."

"Good morning," I replied, still a little wary. Suddenly it hit me.

"Houshi-sama, you didn't wake me for the watch!"

Miroku looked a little petulant. "You looked so peaceful, I couldn't bear to wake you."

"Houshi-sama! That's not the point! You stayed awake all night just so I could sleep?!" I was angry now and a bit exasperated.

That infuriating man chuckled – yes, chuckled! – and then rose to his feet, leaving the campsite. I was left dumbfounded, staring at the remains of the fire.

Much later on while we were travelling, Miroku slipped back into his sullen self from last night, keeping well away from me. To say I was stunned was an understatement.

"Houshi-sama, is something wrong?" I asked, falling back to walk with him. He smiled and shook his head in reply but I sensed it was not his usual smile.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his hand reach for my butt and I braced myself, ready to slap him across the face. Inside, I was secretly glad Miroku was going to grope me because it meant he was his usual lecherous self.

Nothing. No hand on my butt, no lecherous grin. Miroku showed me his hand, a leaf in it.

"You had a leaf stuck to the back of your kimono," he said pleasantly. I stared in disbelief.

"Th – thank you," I managed to stutter. By now, I was completely convinced that something was wrong with Miroku if he passed up the chance to grope me.

Making an excuse, I caught up with Kagome.

"Kagome-chan, do you notice that Houshi-sama's acting strangely?"

She frowned. "In what way?" Turning her head, she stared at him. "Miroku-sama seems fine to me."

I could feel the heat rising in my face. "I mean… he… he hasn't groped me at all. Or said anything perverted. Just now, he… um, had the opportunity to grope me but he didn't!"

For a moment, I could have sworn that a look of triumph passed across Kagome's face. I blinked and it was gone, replaced by a puzzled frown.

"Oh? That's… strange."

I glared at her, my last resort, hoping to elicit some sort of response. I was pretty certain Kagome knew something and she wasn't telling. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about it, would you, Kagome-chan?"

No such luck. "Uh, no, Sango-chan. Why do you ask?"

"… Oh, nothing." I would pry the information out of her later on.

Shrugging, Kagome turned to Inuyasha and began a heated debate about something from her time, leaving me to my confusion.

It was not like Miroku to be so… _nice_. I mean, nice is good. Nice is how I want him to be. Unfortunately, I'm wise enough to know that no one is perfect.

Miroku is Miroku. And that means Miroku is an incorrigible pervert and charming rogue who asks every single female he meets to bear his child, rolled up into one boyishly handsome package.

Maybe I'm being too hard on him. Miroku is also thoughtful, caring, sweet, loyal and brave. He's risked his life for mine and the others' countless times. He's my Houshi-sama, who's there for me when I'm crying over Kohaku.

And there lies the puzzle. These two apparently conflicting personalities are somehow amalgated into one person who will nearly kill himself sucking in Saimyosho poison for me and then grope me when I ask how he's feeling.

That was the Miroku I knew when I first met Inuyasha and the others. The Miroku, who along the way, I managed to fall in love with.

The man I know so well isn't the man who is walking with me today. The Miroku I know would never pass up an opportunity to grope me!

He's been on his best behaviour all this time, and frankly, it's bothering me.

Change is good. Especially when my Houshi-sama has changed for the better. But somehow… I miss the old, lecherous Miroku.

***************************************************************************************************************

The curiosity reached its peak that night, as we settled into a grateful village headman's house because Miroku had 'exorcised' the evil surrounding his home. Interestingly, there had really been traces of demonic aura lingering around the place, though only because a demon had passed by the night before. The others were disinclined to complain though. The headman had been liberal in his generosity and there was plenty of food to satisfy even Inuyasha.

When the sliding door rustled while we were feasting, I sensed something was up. My hand automatically inched towards Hiraikotsu, my body already tensing…

… It opened to reveal two maids in elaborate kimonos. Heads bowed shyly, they went to the guys, one for each.

"Our master wishes for us to entertain you gentlemen," said the one sitting with Miroku coquettishly, taking out a paper fan from inside the folds of her kimono and covering her face. "I am Kimiko, and this is Yuki."

Inuyasha cast Yuki a wary glance, the expression in his golden eyes turning to fear when he looked at Kagome. Stuffing his arms into his sleeves, he shuffled away from the girl.

"Keh! I don't need anyone to entertain me!" His voice was at least two pitches higher than normal, the usual grunt coming out as a squeak. I would have laughed if my attention wasn't completely occupied by watching Miroku.

Miroku's eyes were fixed on his girl although his face was a blandly polite mask. I found myself holding my breath.

"Thank your master on our behalf for his… generous hospitality, but he needn't go to the trouble of sending maids to wait on us."

Kimiko pouted. "What's the matter, masters? Do you not find us pretty enough? Shall I fetch my sisters who are far more exquisite than we are?"

"No, thank you," Miroku got to his feet and bowed to the girls. "You are both very beautiful but we have no need of entertainment tonight. Convey my thanks to your master."

They took the hint and bowing, left the room rather huffily.

Inuyasha stared openly at him. "Hey, monk. Is it just me, or did you just turn down the company of those women?"

"I did turn them down. I'm simply not interested." There was a vein throbbing in his temple. Miroku picked up his rice bowl and resumed eating, indicating the conversation was closed.

"Is the world ending? I mean, Miroku isn't flirting with women." Inuyasha directed his question to Kagome, his unofficial authority on emotional matters.

"People can change, you know," she replied. "Just go back to your food, Inuyasha."

All this just served to compound my worries. If he was tired of groping me… I might understand that, but completely ignoring other women who were practically offering themselves to him? That was certainly not what Miroku would do. I picked at my food listlessly. I had suddenly lost my appetite.


	3. Consolation

Miroku's POV

A week passed by agonizingly slowly. I developed an annoying eye twitch which refused to go away, probably as a result of my abstinence. I was quick to point it out to Kagome that night when Sango and Shippou were asleep and Inuyasha was safely out of earshot.

"You're just imagining it," she said placidly, fluffing her pillow and lying down. "Go to sleep."

"But Kagome," I whined. "This _da-ru_ of yours is hazardous to my health."

I was met with stubborn silence. Huffing, I moved to the edge of the campsite, leaning against a tree and nodding off. Or at least tried to. The damn twitching eye refused to let me sleep, making my face itch relentlessly.

Giving up after quite a while, I got up, adding 'sleep deprivation' to the list of complaints I was keeping for Kagome and walked around.

"What's going on, Miroku?" A voice coming out of the darkness startled me and I jumped.

"Relax, it's me," said the voice, with a hint of amusement. Inuyasha emerged from the darkness, his arms folded in his usual pose.

"Damn it, Inuyasha, you startled me," I muttered, feigning indifference. "I could have accidentally exorcised you."

"Keh. As if one of your puny paper charms could hurt me." He leapt into a nearby sprawling tree branch elegantly like a cat and reclined against the bough.

"So, Miroku," he continued, "what's with you? You're not yourself these few days."

I mimicked his relaxed pose against the foot of the tree, my staff on the grass beside me. "Nothing's wrong with me."

"Yeah, right. You haven't done anything perverted, you haven't groped Sango, you haven't asked any of the village girls to bear your children. Tell me how is that normal for you, you lecher."

I frowned. I wasn't expecting Inuyasha to notice, let alone care, but apparently his other senses were as keen as his sense of smell. As was his sense of curiosity.

"Can't a man change?" I stonewalled.

"Don't pull that shit with me, I know you and Kagome are hiding something. You can't fool me, monk." We both knew he had me in a corner. Inuyasha almost never won a battle of wills with Kagome and I fully expected him to be enjoying this victory. Relenting, I decided to tell him everything.

"Last week, Kagome-sama set me a challenge: no groping, no asking ladies to bear my child, no perverted behaviour whatsoever for a whole cycle of the moon. She said it was called a _da-ru_ and implied that it was a matter of honour."

The hanyou let out a short bark of laughter. "Honour? You? Keh!"

"I resent that, Inuyasha," I grumbled. "I have a great deal of honour and integrity – "

" – just that you choose not to show it," snickered the hanyou. "I might be wrong, Miroku, but I'm guessing this _da-ru_ is a bigger pain in the ass for you than this bloody rosary is for me." I heard the soft clatter of beads as he tugged at it.

"No need to rub it in," I said gloomily. The moon was only the merest of pale slivers in the night sky, translating to a few more weeks to the full moon. My hand itched on my lap. "Already, I've forgotten how Sango's butt feels like."

Inuyasha mumbled something under his breath I chose to ignore.

***************************************************************************************************************

The next night proved to be the worst night of all. In the evening, we happened upon a hot spring, cheering the girls up immensely. They were looking forward to a good soak (and Kagome was looking forward to a bath without unwanted spectators).

Kagome and Inuyasha were both deriving vicarious pleasure from my suffering: Kagome because she was looking forward to having an uninterrupted bath and private girl talk to boot, and Inuyasha because the expression on my face was amusing him.

"What's the matter with you, monk?" he asked mockingly once the girls had disappeared. "You look like a little boy who's had his toy stolen."

I shot him the stoniest glare I could muster and closed my eyes, seemingly in deep meditation. In actual fact, I didn't think I could endure seeing that smug smirk on Inuyasha's face any longer.

A rustling in the bushes and the low murmur of voices caught my attention.

"Inuyasha."

"Yeah." He was already moving, his golden eyes darting left and right, investigating the source of the sounds.

We picked through the undergrowth silently, increasingly disturbed to find ourselves heading for the hot spring.

I glanced over at the spring, to ascertain the position of the girls so Inuyasha and I could take out the intruders without alarming them. Honestly, my intentions were pure. Sango had her back to us, chatting with a laughing Kagome while Shippou splashed around between them.

Inuyasha's fist thudded into the back of my skull. "Hey, moron, what do you think you're doing?"

I rubbed my head, putting on a pained expression. "You grossly misunderstand me again, Inuyasha. I was just trying to determine where the voices came from."

He made a big show of rolling his eyes, stuffing his hands into his sleeves.

A movement in the bush between us and the girls caught my eye. Inuyasha moved forward, his fingers curled around Tetsusaiga's but I stopped him, planting my hand in the middle of his chest.

"Wait," I cautioned. "We don't know their intentions."

"They're probably doing what you wanted to, Miroku," he snarled back and I pretended not to hear, forcing him down back into our bush.

"Hey, wilya look at that! Girls, pretty ones!" muttered a male voice from the bush between the girls and us. It was followed by frantic shushing.

"Shaddup, Kai ya idiot, ya don't wanna scare'em away," growled another voice.

"Yeah, not until we've had some fun with'em," sneered a third voice.

Bandits! There were four of them; their swirling auras were easily detectable, clouded with lust. My mouth twisted. Fun? Inuyasha was growling softly beside me, the low rumble in his throat warning he was close to pouncing on them.

"I want that bitch nearest here," cut in the fourth man, pointing at Sango, his words greeted with muffled raucous laughter. "You lot can have the talkative bitch."

Anger surged in my heart. How could this – this bastard – talk about my Sango that way? My grip around my staff turned white-knuckled as I fought to keep calm. I turned to the hanyou, ignoring my boiling blood.

"Inuyasha, we need to get rid of them quietly – "

He had already lost all of his limited patience upon hearing them talk about Kagome in such rough words. "Bastards!" he roared, drawing Tetsusaiga and leaping out of the bushes. I groaned and followed, swinging my staff. So much for discreetly eliminating the peeping toms.

The girls shrieked, rushing for their clothes as the bandits jumped out of their hiding places, drawing their own weapons.

"Get yer own bitches, these ones're ours!" snarled a heavyset man holding a massive sword. Recognizing his voice as the one who claimed Sango, I promptly lost all control. "Don't you talk about our women that way, filthy bastard!" A feral snarl emerged from my throat as I brought my staff down on him. The bandit caught the blow with his sword and forced the blow away. I crouched down, preparing for another strike.

Elsewhere, Inuyasha was battling three of the men single-handedly, aflame with rage. He was clearly close to losing his control and killing them, a tinge of red entering the corner of his eyes.

Noticing the danger, I quickly intervened, leaving my confused opponent and running towards Inuyasha. In one fluid movement, I struck one of his opponents over the back of the head and drove the end of my staff into the gut of another. They promptly collapsed, unconscious. The reprieve seemed to snap Inuyasha out of his trance and he sheathed his sword, punching the remaining man out to join his comrades.

My bandit was left alone, holding his weapon out defensively. Gaping in astonishment, he watched his men fall. I approached him menacingly. There must have been murder in my eyes because all of a sudden, he dropped his sword, all the fight gone out of him.

"Don't kill me, please," he begged, backing away from me. "I'm sorry! You can have'em!"

If he had shut up and ran, I probably would have forgiven him. But those words enraged me further. Dropping my staff, I seized him by the front of his filthy kimono.

"Listen, bastard," I growled, thrusting my face in his, "I heard you talking about taking my Sango, I should kill you for that." The man gulped, his eyes bulging in terror. Raising my fist, I slammed it into his jaw and tossed him aside.

Inuyasha came over, nudging the unconscious man with a toe. "You know, that was kinda unnecessary, Miroku." The colour had leeched out of his eyes, leaving him a little subdued, knowing how close he had been to losing his mind.

"I don't care. It made me feel better."

Just then, Sango and Kagome came out of the forest. They had already dressed, much to my disappointment. Both were staring at me in apparent curiosity and awe, Sango with a small blush on her cheeks.

Oh damn. They heard everything.

Inuyasha rushed to Kagome's side immediately. "Kagome, are you all right?" he asked anxiously.

"We're fine, Inuyasha," she answered patiently. "You and Miroku got to them before they could do anything, remember?"

"Wow, Miroku," observed Shippou from his perch on Kagome's shoulder. "And we were thinking that it was some plot of yours to spy on Sango and Kagome."

I gave him a small smile, still high on adrenaline. "We should leave before they wake up."

As we walked back to the campsite, I fell in step with Sango.

"What's wrong, Sango?" I enquired solicitously, keeping my tone as neutral as possible. "You haven't said a word at all."

"Nothing, Houshi-sama…" She bowed her head, looking down at the forest floor. My hand twitched. Normally, this was my cue to place my hand on her butt and get slapped for it but today I couldn't. Damn it! I gritted my teeth. The perfect opportunity gone to waste! Automatically, a new mantra quite unrelated to the teachings of Buddha popped into my brain.

_Stupid da-ru stupid da-ru stupid da-ru stupid da-ru stupid da-ru stupid da-ru stupid da-ru – _

I was suddenly aware of a warm sensation in my hand.

I looked down. While I had been preoccupied with my self-pity, Sango's hand had slipped into mine. I stopped walking and stared at our entwined fingers stupidly. She was blushing madly now, refusing to meet my eye.

"Sango…"

Raising herself on tiptoe, she planted a shy kiss on my lips. "Thank you," she whispered into my ear. Before I knew it, Sango had released my hand and fled, her long brown hair floating after her.

I raised my hand to the spot she had kissed me, not quite believing what had just happened. So _that_ was what Kagome had meant by 'the mood'… If only I had known what 'the mood' was earlier!

_Wonderful da-ru wonderful da-ru wonderful da-ru wonderful da-ru wonderful da-ru wonderful da-ru wonderful da-ru…_

**Author's Note: **Hope you guys liked that.


	4. Letting The Nekomata Out Of The Bag

Sango's POV

I wasn't very hungry that night, picking at my food. I still can't believe I actually did that. I kissed Miroku! Even if it wasn't a real kiss, just a peck, my face burned with embarrassment every time I thought about it.

That idiot monk didn't even seem to respond whatsoever. He sat across from me, acting as though nothing had happened.

Kagome didn't notice either, though I don't blame her. She was busy trying to defuse the latest battle in the ongoing war between Inuyasha and Shippou as they fought for second and third helpings.

"Here, Shippou," I smiled, beckoning the little fox cub over, "you can have mine, I've had enough to eat."

"Really? Wow, thanks, Sango!" He gobbled the whole lot before Inuyasha could protest and flashed me his adorable little-boy grin, flecks of food still clinging to his mouth.

Kagome gave me a grateful look as the two combatants quieted down, their appetites satiated. A yawning Shippou crawled into her lap and soon fell asleep.

A tiny mew sounded from my ankles and I looked down. Kirara hopped into my lap and started kneading with her claws, wanting a backrub. I obliged, needing something to occupy myself. Her mewing turned into contented purring as the little nekomata luxuriated under my ministrations. Despite my mood, I soon found myself smiling.

"Kirara looks happy."

Miroku was leaning over me and I hadn't even noticed. Completely thrown off guard, I jumped, letting out a small involuntary yelp. Kirara hissed in annoyance, her eyes snapping open and she glared reproachfully at me.

"Houshi-sama! Don't sneak up on me like that!" Instead of the low angry tone I was expecting, my voice came out as a squeak and I flushed scarlet. Amusement danced in his eyes and I had the sudden, fleeting impression that he had meant to startle me.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, lowering himself onto the grass on my right. Kirara, still annoyed with me for jolting her, immediately jumped into the newly available lap and began the whole process of begging him for a backrub.

"Traitor," I muttered under my breath. She pretended she hadn't heard me, when I knew she very well had, rolling over on her back to let Miroku scratch her tummy. Right now, the last thing I needed was for Miroku to be so close, not when I still hadn't got over kissing him.

He seemed so oblivious to the internal conflict going on in my mind, laughing at the purring and wriggling Kirara. The thought hit home and I frowned. Come to think of it, Miroku never really seemed to like animals, let alone animal demons. Kirara was an exception, of course, being more human than demon but I had never seen him lavish this much attention on her before.

I was very sure she would have noticed it, but it being to her advantage anyway, it obviously didn't cross my companion's mind. I had to ask.

"Er, Houshi-sama, may I ask you a question?"

"You may ask me anything you like," he smiled, tickling Kirara's chin with a finger. "But first, you have to answer my question."

He raised his head, returning my peeved expression with a lopsided smile which I found completely captivating. Damn. My cheeks felt like they were aflame.

"Alright, monk," I snapped, trying to cover up my acute embarrassment. Now that he was no longer perverted, Miroku was practically all charm. An ordinary girl would have melted into a puddle of goo. "Ask your question." I mentally prepared myself for whatever he could throw at me.

"Are you hungry?"

I blinked. What a strange question! And here I was, expecting something lecherous (but in the light of his recent good behaviour, I guess not).

"What do you mean, Houshi-sama?"

"Well, you hardly touched your dinner," he said pleasantly. "Is there something wrong?"

_Yes, it's you, idiot!_ I wanted to scream at him. Forcing a smile on my face, I shook my head. "I… didn't think you'd notice."

"I notice everything about you, Sango."

Embarrassed, I bent my head and quickly changed the subject.

"Houshi-sama… Why are you suddenly so interested in Kirara? I mean, you've never played with her like this before…" I inwardly cursed the awkwardness of the question.

That damned monk didn't answer immediately, busy running his hands up and down Kirara's back. My curiosity was killing me as I watched them both.

In the stillness that followed my question, I overheard stifled laughter from across the campsite. Inuyasha and Kagome sat together, he with his hands in his sleeves as usual wearing a nonchalant expression, she with a sleeping Shippou in her lap. She had been leaning towards him, whispering something in his ear and he had replied, both sniggering at his words. It seemed perfectly normal except they were sneaking constant glances in Miroku's direction. Even more suspicious, when they noticed I was looking at them, they immediately feigned indifference, hiding their amusement.

I was irritated now. There was something going on which I knew nothing about. Kagome's face twisted, her shoulders shaking with suppressed mirth and she promptly hid her face in her sleeve when she thought I wasn't looking. Inuyasha pulled a really strange face that could only have been described as a combination of amused, irritated and his customary expression of faint annoyance.

Miroku had heard the laughter too and he turned his head to look at them, giving them an affronted glance. Surprisingly, he seemed… _resigned _to it, rather than quick to defend himself, as he so often did whenever we teased him about his lecherous ways. His hands stopped midway down Kirara's spine, prompting a tiny mew of protest.

"Ah… forgive me, Kirara, but I'm rather tired," he apologised. She widened her eyes at him before jumping back into my lap.

"You shameless creature," I chided her playfully, tapping her on her nose. "Now you come crawling back to me?"

She made a small sound and pushed her head into my head, demanding a scratch.

Scooping my feline friend into my arms, I shot Inuyasha and Kagome a glare I normally reserved for Miroku and his perverted behaviour to let them know I knew they were hiding something. It worked: Kagome shifted in her seat and Inuyasha visibly gulped, both of them not able to look at me.

I made a big show of laying out my bed roll and getting ready for sleep. Kagome took the hint, immediately joining me in my preparations, though she never said a word.

"Good night, Sango-chan," she yawned, tucking in Shippou beside her.

"Good night," I answered and shut my eyes. Carefully, I slowed my breathing and relaxed my muscles, for all intents and purposes deeply asleep.

Faint movements from my side told me that Kagome had sat up.

"… She's asleep." A collective sigh of relief sounded.

"What were you doing, wench, you almost gave us away!" Inuyasha whisper-yelled. A sharp intake of breath as the young miko struggled to keep her mirth under control.

"I couldn't help it… it was so funny…" Kagome was clearly trying not to dissolve into helpless giggles again.

"Keh."

Miroku's voice cut in. "You two are really subtle, you know that. I wouldn't be surprised if Sango knew something was up. She isn't as dense as Inuyasha."

_Absolutely, Houshi-sama_. It took a lot of self-control to keep my face straight as I listened to the hanyou's furious, muffled spluttering.

"Inuyasha, shush! You'll wake Sango-chan!" All noise immediately stopped and resumed after a brief interval.

"Anyway, what was so damn funny?' asked Miroku, irritation seeping into his voice. I strained my ears to catch his words.

"… When Sango asked you why you were petting Kirara, Inuyasha said it was because she was the only female you could grope and get away with it." Heavily stifled sniggers followed and were quickly hushed.

"That wasn't funny at all, Kagome-sama," complained Miroku. "I'll have you know, this _da-ru_ of yours is taking its toll on my mental health…"

"Honestly, it's all in your mind. Jeez, who knew that you'd be so whiny when you're not being a lecher?"

Surprisingly, it was Inuyasha who spoke up again. "And here I was thinking that all that would be left if we took the lecher outta you was the Kazaana."

Inuyasha and Kagome cracked up again, small snorts punctuating the stillness of the night.

A faint smile crossed my lips. So, this _da-ru _of Kagome's was responsible for Miroku's good behaviour… And everyone knew about it, except for me.

This was going to be interesting.

**Author's Note: **I read through it and I think Inuyasha's kind of OOC in this chapter… but I couldn't bear to leave that line out. LOL.


	5. Drunken Revelations

**Author's Note: **All hail alcohol as the saviour of crack fics. *bows down* I'm referring to manga chapter 486 and anime episode 135 as well as a generous dollop of creative license for an idea of how the characters would be drunk.

Miroku's POV

A bad night's sleep did nothing for my mood and I was still fuming the next morning.

Kagome was already bad enough. But having Inuyasha join in the teasing? I almost wished the Kazaana would take me there and then.

They made such merciless fun of my playing with Kirara. The nerve of them, misreading my completely innocent intentions like that.

Okay… fine. To be completely honest, they were partially right: the main reason was because I needed to keep my hands occupied so I couldn't weaken and lose the _da-ru_. I was certainly not going to lose to Kagome!

That and I wanted a reason to sit next to Sango. Never mind that I was still reeling from the memory of having her lips pressed to mine and just being close to her evoked strong reactions; I just wanted to be with her.

Her reaction when I sneaked up on her was immensely satisfying: normally, it took a grope to elicit a similar response from Sango, albeit with painful consequences for me.

The _da-ru_ had brought out another side of the Inutachi. It had brought out Kagome's devious, scheming side, the playful side of Inuyasha and my whiny side (according to Kagome). Hopefully it brought out the daring side of Sango.

I had never seen Inuyasha so cheerful for the entire time I knew him. (Granted, he was laughing at me but still…)

I gritted my teeth. Two weeks had just gone by, the all-important halfway mark. Just another two more weeks of hell on earth to go…

Ahead of me, Kagome tugged at a gray spot on her sleeve in despair. "I'm filthy!" she declared miserably. "I don't care, tonight we are staying in a village! I need a good bath and this uniform needs a washing!"

Inuyasha scowled. "Damn it, wench, what's wrong with a little dirt?" He picked at her clothes with his claws and she gave a little scream, jumping out of his reach.

"Inuyasha! Stop that!"

As they bickered, I tuned them out, focusing instead on my favourite subject.

Sango was behaving strangely today. She seemed lost in thought, as it was usual for her to be but she didn't look sad. Conversely, a hint of a smile always appeared to be lurking at the corner of her mouth. Well, thoughtful was still better than being sad –

_Wait! Could it be – Was it possible –_ I blinked at her, ignoring the bead of cold sweat trickling down my neck. _Did she know?_

It was possible. Inuyasha and Kagome were less than subtle last night. If I knew my Sango, she wouldn't be taking it lying down. She would be plotting something…

Damn that clever, clever woman. I allowed myself a rueful smile. I was completely harmless and I had no doubt whatsoever that Sango would take full advantage of me. I almost wondered whether she and Kagome were in cahoots, just so Kagome could play matchmaker for us.

Let the games begin.

***************************************************************************************************************

Despite Inuyasha's vociferous protests, we entered a village that evening and I went through my usual routine of finding a house to 'exorcise'. Luckily, the richest man in the village was rather superstitious and invited us in.

"Houshi-sama, you must be a monk of great purity," he said anxiously, touching his head to the floor for what seemed like the tenth time.

Needless to say, I was taken aback. Kagome spoiled the moment for me somewhat, stifling a snigger in her sleeve. "What gives you that impression, Iwao-sama?" I asked, pointedly ignoring the young miko.

Looking a little flustered, he swept his hand in the general direction of Kirara, Inuyasha and Shippou. "You have youkai as your servants, Houshi-sama, which I am assuming you have subdued?"

Inuyasha snorted loudly. "Servant? Subdued? Me, subdued by that – "

"You could say that, Iwao-sama," I cut in hurriedly, shooting the hanyou a warning look. "Inuyasha is our friend, as are Shippou and Kirara."

Iwao's face showed momentary confusion. "I see," he said after a pause, glancing nervously at the sullen Inuyasha. "But I'm afraid, Houshi-sama, after you've purified and blessed my home, I cannot offer you and your companions food and lodging for the night." He pulled an apologetic face.

"I see," I said, trying not to sound disappointed.

"As payment for your services, however, I can only offer you this." He opened a nearby cupboard and with a grunt, heaved out a large, tightly-sealed jar.

"This is rice wine from the mainland," he explained. "It's of top quality, a gift from one of my business acquaintances. I want you to have it."

"I cannot accept such a valuable gift – "

"Nonsense! Please take it, as a token of my gratitude for ridding my home of evil. It's the least I can do for you and your companions." He produced a carrying cloth from the same cupboard and wrapped the jar up, passing it to me.

Looking at his earnest face, I smiled and thanked him. I sure as hell could use a drink to take my mind off the _da-ru_.

_Now this is what I consider adequate repayment._

I turned to Inuyasha and the others.

"Wait for me outside, I'll be done in a while."

After they left, I pottered around the house, pasting sutras at strategic locations around the house. Iwao followed me like a puppy, bowing his head in fervent prayer every time I recited the incantations to activate the sutras.

Finally the task was finished. Bidding Iwao farewell, I rejoined the others and we found a suitable campsite a short distance from the village. Kagome was still a little grumpy with having to postpone her bath to another day but took the disappointment in her stride.

"What did the old man give you?" asked Inuyasha, nose twitching inquisitively, his golden eyes fixed on the large bundle I carried.

"Rice wine," I answered, unwrapping the jar. As I examined the label on the jar, a wide grin spread across my face.

"And what are ya happy about?"

"This is real Shaoxing* wine! Iwao-sama was right; this is hard to get hold of, especially here in Japan."

If I was going to get drunk, at least it would be on good wine, the kind my mentor Mushin would have given up an arm and a leg for. Hell, he would have probably exchanged me for a jar, that immoral, drunken old sot.

Eagerly, I cracked open the seal. Inuyasha grimaced. "Damn, that stuff's strong. I can smell it from here."

"Inuyasha, Sango, Kagome-sama, would you like some?" I asked, pouring some of the spirits into the cups Kagome had produced from her backpack.

"I wanna try!" Shippou reached out greedily for one cup only to have Kagome slap his hand.

"Shippou-chan, that's alcohol! You're too young to drink that!"

The little kitsune pouted. Laughing, I swirled the wine and took a sip. "Excellent quality," I sighed, feeling a patch of growing warmth settling in my stomach. "Are you sure you don't want any, Kagome-sama?"

Kagome eyed the clear liquid in the cups suspiciously. "No thanks, I've heard a lot about Chinese rice wine in my era, none of it very good."

Sango glanced sideways at her. "None for me too," she said quickly. "I don't take alcohol."

"Oh, come on," I said teasingly. "This is famous! Surely you can have a sip? Just to try?" Even as I egged the girls on, an evil plan was forming in my mind.

Inuyasha grunted, reaching for a cup and draining the contents in one gulp and smacking his lips. "Hey, this isn't half bad!" He held out his cup for a refill.

"You see?" I wheedled, pouring more into the hanyou's cup. The girls exchanged looks. Finally, Kagome reached for one of the cups.

"Oh, what the heck."

She sipped delicately and coughed. "Man, this stuff burns!" Already, a pink flush had darkened her cheeks. Scrunching up her face, Kagome resolutely finished up the rest of the wine and slammed her empty cup down.

Sango was watching the entire tableau, a look of trepidation frozen on her face.

I leaned forward, deliberately swaying a little, trying to appear tipsy. "Go on then, Sango," I urged her.

Not to be outdone, she took the cup and drank deeply, emptying the contents.

"Good show," I commented, raising my eyebrows. Sango was tough: it was obviously her first time drinking hard liquor but she downed it without as much as a flicker like a professional. Even I gagged and spluttered when taking my first taste of sake.

Inuyasha was completely red in the face, his hand shaking as he tried to pour himself more liquor. Kagome wasn't much better, giggling constantly as she watched him spill it on the grass.

"Hey, hey!" I said quickly, catching hold of the intoxicated hanyou's hand and steadying it. "That's expensive, you know, don't waste it."

"Yeah, whatever," he slurred, throwing back the wine with a decided flourish. "No big deal about it, monk."

"Yeah Miroku-sama!" chirped Kagome. "Come on, share the good stuff!"

"You two are drunk," I said sternly, holding the jar out of their reach, ignoring their indignant protests.

"Hey Houshi-sama, don't keep it all for yourself," slurred a new voice. Sango tottered over, the telltale flush suffusing her cheeks.

Shippou edged nervously away from us, hiding behind Kirara's fur, a shrewd decision in my opinion. Despite my only drinking one cup and my high alcohol tolerance, I felt my face start to burn and my head begin to spin.

Faced with three stone drunk adults, one scared kitsune and a hissing nekomata, I decided enough was enough. I sealed up the half-full jar and tucked it in my bedroll out of reach of prying fingers. As much as I wanted to join them, I needed my wits around me or most probably I'd wake up the next morning with the da-ru in ruins or worse. Immediately, I clamped down the stream of vivid mental images produced by my perverted mind.

"Miroku?" Shippou peeked out from behind Kirara's ears, his little eyes wide with fear.

"Ah… I think you'd better go to sleep, Shippou. Everything will be fine in the morning."

He nodded and curled up into a ball. Kirara snuggled in with him, shooting me a look which said, _I don't trust you to take care of the others but I haven't got a choice_.

"Thanks for your support, Kirara!" I called sarcastically, then it hit me. _Damn, why am I talking to a cat?! I must be more wasted than I thought…_

Sighing, I turned my attention to the other three. If only they were as easy to handle.

Inuyasha was tottering around unsteadily, swearing every time he crashed into a tree or stone. "Damnit, I ain't drunk! Why are there s'many trees 'ere!"

Kagome sat splay-legged on the ground, giggling insanely every time he swore. "Naughty Inuyasha!" she cried suddenly. "Saying naughty words! Sit boy!" He crashed face first into the dirt and shouted a particularly juicy word, prompting another round of 'sitting'.

"Damn it, Kagome! Do ya have some kinda desire ta see me dead or something! I told ya, I didn't sleep with Kikyou!"

"Sit boy!" Wham!

Inuyasha spat out a mouthful of dirt. "Okay, okay, I admit it, I'm a virgin! What else ya wanna know?"

Kagome squealed, clapping her hands to her ears. "I don't wanna know that, Inuyasha you idiot!"

He peeked out at her. "Then whaddya wanna know!"

"I dunno what I want to know!"

"Then stop 'sitting' me then!"

Sango…

I blinked. She was nowhere to be seen.

Just then, a pair of arms was flung haphazardly around my neck.

"Houshi-sama!" giggled Sango. "There you are! I was looking for you!"

"Sango!" I gulped. I certainly wasn't expecting her to be an exuberant drunk. Taking a firm grip on her hands (to ease her away, I swear), she suddenly slid into my arms, giggling. My mouth hung open slightly. Sango giggling? Now I was convinced the world is ending, because that almost never happened. What next, Kikyou or even Sesshoumaru giggling?

Then again, Sango had never got this drunk before… The closest we had ever got was when we were looking for sake made by the Sake Sages and were ambushed by a cloud of sake mist. Kagome and Sango were mildly intoxicated, Kagome almost flattening Inuyasha into the ground when Sango tried to kiss him…

I snapped back into reality when Sango nuzzled my face, her arms tightening around my neck. Kami, even stone drunk she was beautiful, the vivid red of her face enhancing her looks.

She gazed at me blearily through alcohol-brightened eyes. "Houshi-sama? Hellooo…" She waved an unsteady hand in front of my face. "I'm talking here."

I gulped noisily. "Yes, Sango, I know."

Damn it! The one and only time Sango crawls willingly into my lap and it's strictly no touching. I shot a fierce glare over in Kagome's general direction. She was sound asleep, sprawled over a comatose Inuyasha's chest. Even as I watched, fascinated in spite of myself, she let out a most unladylike snore.

A small hand gripped my hair and pulled my head back, effectively drawing my attention back to the drunken girl in my arms. "Come on, Houshi-sama, pay attention." Pouting, Sango seized my cheeks in both hands and thrust her face forward, trying to kiss me. "I haven't kissed anyone before, so let's take it slowly, okay?"

Curse you, Kagome! Curse you, _da-ru_! Catching her wrists, I reluctantly tried to dissuade her from her plans for my seduction. "As much as I want this, Sango, you're drunk," I said gently, the heat building slowly in my body just from being so near. The pervert in me was most disapproving, to say the least.

Strengthening my resolve, I stood up suddenly. Thrown off balance, she moaned and clutched the front of my robes, pressing her face into my shoulder. "N – not so fast… I don't feel so good…"

"You'd better be putting her to bed, monk, not taking her off somewhere else for a bit of privacy," snarled a voice.

I jumped. Inuyasha was climbing out of his crater, bending down to scoop Kagome into his arms. I was more than a little surprised to see him apparently sober so quickly.

He anticipated the question and shrugged. "I have youkai blood. Alcohol's outta my system a whole lot faster than you humans but I've got a hell of a headache."

"And here I was thinking that Kagome-sama must have 'sat' the wine out of you."

Inuyasha narrowed his eyes. "If I haven't got my hands full, I'd kill you, monk." He suddenly grunted, screwing his eyes shut. "Damn, my head… On second thought, kill me instead."

"Consider that punishment for making fun of me." Chuckling softly, I walked towards the bedrolls when I felt a hand on my ass.

"Turnabout is fair play," slurred Sango with a drunken giggle. "How does it feel to be groped, Houshi-sama? At least I know why you do it so often – " she gave it a firm squeeze " – it feels good. You got a fine ass. I suppose you think I do too."

I was completely taken aback, unable to move a muscle. Groped… by _Sango_, of all people.

"I'm sorry, Inuyasha!" blurted out Kagome abruptly, waking up with a start, almost making the hanyou drop her. "What can I do to make it up to you?"

"Errr…"

She smiled beatifically. "I know! I'll strip for you!" She tugged at the red ribbon around her neck, oblivious to Inuyasha's horrified stare.

"Kagome, no!"

"Why? I thought guys like to see naked girls," she paused, halfway tugging at her collar.

"… If you strip, it'll just make Miroku happy." Inuyasha offered. I glared at him over Sango's head.

Her head drooped forward. "Right. Never mind then." A loud snore announced her re-entry into dreamland.

A furiously blushing Inuyasha tucked Kagome in. "I don't wanna hear anything from you, monk," he growled.

I quickly recovered my composure to find Sango had fallen asleep as well, nestling into my chest with a serene look on her face. _To think she was an innocent girl… Kami, she's as perverted as me, if not more!_

I deposited my bundle into her bed, pulling up the blankets to her chin. I guessed we wouldn't be doing much traveling tomorrow, the girls were going to be suffering horrible hang-overs.

.

Once that was done, I hefted the jug out again. Inuyasha blinked, midway through massaging his temples.

"Is the Kazaana taking too long to fulfill yer death wish, or are ya just plain stupid, Miroku?"

"I need to get drunk to forget about this stupid _da-ru_. And everything else that I happened to hear tonight."

Inuyasha stared blankly at me for a moment before wordlessly holding out his cup.

*Shaoxing was a famous Chinese brand of rice spirits which is about 18% alcohol. In comparison, sake is around 7-8% alcohol. Today, you can still buy Shaoxing wine in China.


	6. Hangovers And Headaches

**Author's Note: **For Kaguya-chan, who always makes me laugh.

Sango's POV

I opened my eyes the next morning… and promptly shut them again as bolts of pain lanced through my skull.

"Ooorgh," I moaned. "My head." Even speaking was difficult. My mouth felt so dry.

Something delightfully cool was pressed into my hand.

"Drink. You'll feel better." Miroku's voice was soothing.

Without opening my eyes, I grasped the bamboo flask and drank greedily, water slopping over the front of my kimono.

"Better?" There was the merest trace of amusement in the monk's voice and I bristled. Damn him for being so insanely cheerful when I felt like crap.

"This is all your fault, you – "

I sat up abruptly as I talked, forcing my eyelids open so I could glare at him. Big mistake. The sunlight pierced right through my eyes and into my already sore brain, multiplying my throbbing headache by a thousand-fold. I groaned and fell back…

… into something warm and soft. Miroku had caught me with one arm. He sighed, lowering my head back down to the pillow.

"Don't make any sudden moves, okay?"

Somewhere from the blackness, I heard Kagome moaning.

"I feel like hell. Please kill me now, I promise I'll never touch a drop of alcohol again if only this headache would go away."

I grinned weakly, my head pounding. At least someone was sharing my misery.

A rustling sound. I sensed Miroku moving away, presumably to attend to Kagome. Bringing my hand up, I rubbed my temples, trying to ease the pain in my head.

"Miroku-sama," groaned Kagome, "can you go to my medicine box and look for a bottle? Marked 'Paracetamol'?"

"Certainly, but why?"

"Mama told me before it can cure hangovers."

The words 'cure' and 'hangover' immediately caught my attention and I cracked my eyes open. Kagome's era was truly a magical place if they had managed to develop a cure for hangovers. As a young girl, I remembered seeing some of the men of my village getting very drunk and then horribly hungover the next morning. I was lucky Father never liked drinking: I could still recall the nasty retching and the headaches they complained of. Especially the smell of their vomit.

"Kagome, you had a cure for hangovers and you didn't tell me???"

Inuyasha appeared suddenly in front of us. I winced as the high volume of his strident tone sent spikes of agony through my already tortured cranium.

"Inuyasha, not so loud, please…" groaned Kagome. "And besides, I only just woke up, plus I didn't think I would _be needing it_." She raised herself just enough to shoot an ominous glare at Miroku as she placed heavy emphasis on the last few words.

I turned to look at my friend and almost recoiled in horror. Kagome looked quite a sight, her long black hair sticking out in all directions, her eyes so impressively bloodshot they bore a striking resemblance to Naraku's. I couldn't bring myself to laugh because I was certain I wasn't much better-looking myself.

"Oh, blame me for your hangover," came Miroku's amused voice as he came back, holding the bottle. "Last night, you seemed to be enjoying yourself."

Kagome stiffened suddenly and so did I. Frantically, I tried to recall the events of last night but all I could come up with was bits and pieces. All I remembered was drinking the entire cup of sake in one go… someone's arms around me… the weightless feeling of being carried…

Oh Kami. What happened last night?

Miroku pushed two tiny white pebbles into my hand. "Swallow this," he instructed, handing me a cup of water to go with them.

I obeyed, gulping down the water and immediately felt better. As I slowly sat up, I saw Inuyasha and Miroku also tossing back the white pebbles. Kagome sat with her head in her hands, presumably trying to remember what had happened last night.

"What happened last night?" she said finally, glaring at the guys from between her fingers, silently warning them to spill the details. I joined them, narrowing my eyes threateningly. We must have looked like a pair of Narakus, because both guys blanched and shifted back uneasily.

Inuyasha suddenly became shifty-eyed, looking anywhere but at us. Miroku, on the other hand, quickly regained his composure and merely smirked. My heart plummeted, my mind unhelpfully supplying all kinds of unpleasant 'worst-case' scenarios....

"Why, my dear, bold Sango. Are you telling me you don't recall what happened?" he murmured salaciously.

Kagome glowered. She gave Inuyasha her sweetest smile, sending the hanyou into a flurry of twitching.

"Inuyasha," she cooed. "What happened last night?"

He gulped audibly. "Uh… we all got really, really drunk…" His voice trailed off and he blushed. I had never seen Inuyasha look so abashed before. "I… don't really remember much after that too."

While all this was happening, that stupid, lecherous monk sat there grinning his lecherous grin.

Quick as a flash, I seized him by the front of his robes and shook, ignoring the stabbing pain in my skull. "You'd better tell us everything that happened, you lecherous monk," I growled as menacingly as I could. "I know you were up to something."

The infuriating man just laughed. Fuming, Kagome tried again. "Shippou-chan," she called. "What happened last night, after we drank the sake?"

The kitsune shrugged, much to our disappointment and Miroku's absolute glee. "I dunno, really. Inuyasha, Sango and you started acting really strange. Only Miroku was still normal. He asked me to go to sleep while he took care of you all."

A crafty look suddenly flitted over Shippou's face. "But I didn't trust Miroku to look after you guys, so I stayed awake."

Miroku paled.

"Oh?" I gave the monk a vigorous shake. "So what did we do, Shippou-chan?"

"… You mean you really don't remember?" asked Shippou curiously. Miroku quirked an eyebrow, the same question evident in his eyes.

"No. If you tell me and Sango everything that happened, _no leaving anything out_, I'll give you a whole box of Pocky. Chocolate-flavored," promised Kagome, her eyes gleaming.

That did the trick. The little kitsune's face lit up eagerly. "You mean… all for me?"

"That's right."

"Okay!" He plopped down on Kagome's lap and scrunched up his nose, trying to recall the events of last night. I shuffled closer to listen, not relinquishing my grip on Miroku, practically dragging him across the grass. Inuyasha came nearer too, a steady blush spreading over his face.

"Uh… Inuyasha was walking around in circles and crashing into the same tree and stone over and over again." The hanyou blushed harder. "Keh," he muttered.

"An' Kagome, you were laughing really hard an' then you 'sat' Inuyasha again and again, an' then he said something about him and Kikyou sleeping an' merging…" Shippou was on a roll, recounting his tale to his horrified, spell-bound audience. Miroku let out an involuntary snort.

Kagome's mouth fell open and she clapped a hand over her face. She looked completely mortified, almost as much as Inuyasha did.

I stared in horror, the mental images evoked almost far too perverted and disturbing to be a product of my mind; it suited Miroku's lecherous self more.

"Perhaps, I should inform you three of what happened…?" The afore-mentioned lecher interrupted. I glared at him.

"You lecher, what makes us think we'd trust you?"

He shot a meaningful look at Kagome and Inuyasha, disguising it as a casual glance. "Well… I'd be completely honest with you. Besides, I can assure you that it's nothing you're thinking." Mischief danced in Miroku's eyes and I wondered whether it was fine to trust him, _da-ru_ or no _da-ru_.

Shippou guessed what was on my mind. "Don't worry, Sango," he said brightly. "I can confirm whether he's speaking the truth."

What did we have to lose? Besides, my curiosity was killing me; I had to know how bad had it been. Even Kirara had padded up and settled down, her red eyes trained on the monk.

I let go of Miroku. "Okay, spill," I instructed him, Inuyasha and Kagome glaring daggers at the monk at my side. "Make sure nothing but the truth comes out."

The corner of his mouth tugged upwards in a lopsided grin.

"Well, what Shippou meant earlier was that… uh, Inuyasha told Kagome-sama that he'd never slept with Kikyou-sama and that he was a virgin."

They both turned a spectacular shade of beetroot.

Shippou turned to me in confusion. "What's a virgin, Sango?"

"Erm… I'll tell you when you're older, okay?" A choking, laughing sound came from Miroku and I turned to smack his arm. "It's not funny, you lech!"

"Sorry," he gasped, trying and failing to regain his composure. Already irritated, I gave him a little encouragement to shut up, clouting him over the head with a fist.

"Get on with it," I growled.

"Alright, alright. Honestly Sango, you could have fooled anyone. Who would have known you to take such liberties with me and attempt to besmirch my honour?" He pouted prettily and covered his mouth with a hand in an uncanny imitation of a blushing village girl, the kind who flocked around him like bees to honey.

"What are you talking about, Houshi-sama?!"

He feigned astonishment. "Why, you practically threw yourself into my arms and tried to kiss me! You don't remember at all?"

I felt my face burn under the curious stares from Kagome and Inuyasha. "You perverted…!" I reached out and grabbed the front of his robes, shaking him so vigorously I could have sworn I heard his teeth rattling in his head. "Shippou, is that true??!" I cried, willing it to be another figment of the monk's perverted imagination.

The kitsune blushed as all eyes swiveled towards him. "Actually… yeah. Miroku was surprisingly well-behaved, though…"

Much to my amazement, Inuyasha nodded solemnly, the colour mostly receded from his face. "Yeah, I saw it too."

"… he fended you off and tried to put you to bed but…"

"But what?!" I could feel the headache coming back with a vengeance.

"But… you groped him."

"I… WHAT??!!" I was shocked speechless, my mouth opening and closing like a fish.

Kagome found her voice first. "Wow, Sango-chan!"

"But… but… I…"

Miroku put on a mock-hurt expression. "You see, Sango? I am innocent."

My shoulders slumped. So much for outsmarting Miroku while he was under the conditions of the da-ru. Somehow, that cunning man had managed to turn the tables on me.

Kagome sniggered loudly and Miroku winked at her.

"You're not much better yourself, Kagome-sama," he continued with a lecherous grin on his face. "I remember you offering to strip for Inuyasha."

She let out a squeak and coloured spectacularly again as Inuyasha looked anywhere else but in her general direction.

In spite of my acute embarrassment, I couldn't help but giggle a little at my best friend's plight.

"But don't worry, Kagome-sama, Inuyasha had the perfect excuse to protect your modesty," continued the monk. "He was quite right to point out that only I would take pleasure from your stripping."

"W – why you…" spluttered Inuyasha. "I'm gonna kill ya, ya idiot monk!"

Miroku squirmed out of my suddenly limp grasp and darted out of the furious hanyou's reach as Kagome sat in a daze; she appeared to be trying to digest all that had happened.

"Man, sometimes, I feel like the most mature one in the group." I heard Shippou mutter as he dipped a hand into Kagome's bag and pulled out a lollipop.

Kirara mewed. I could have sworn it was a sound of agreement but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Tuning the entire world out, I mentally reviewed the situation:

Goal: Take advantage of Miroku being unable to grope me.

Result: Take advantage of Miroku being unable to grope me by groping him myself – and remember nothing of it.

Goal: Curb his lecherous tendencies.

Result: Bring out my lecherous tendencies.

Goal: Utterly humiliating that lecherous monk for just once in my life.

Result: Utter, abject humiliation – for the rest of my life.

"Yowch!"

A snarling Inuyasha pushed Miroku back down on the grass, the latter now sporting a lump on his head.

"Are you sure that's all that happened?" demanded Kagome loudly, snapping out of her trance.

Miroku nodded, rubbing his head. "Inuyasha and I let you two sleep it off."

The energy left me and I moaned. Crawling back to my bedroll, I collapsed on it, not bothering to pull up the blanket. Kirara mewed sympathetically, nuzzling my face and curling up beside me.

"Please kill me now," I mumbled.

For some reason, I couldn't fall asleep immediately despite feeling completely exhausted. I listened to Kagome and Inuyasha argue over traveling for the day. The hanyou eventually gave in, conceding we would not be going anywhere today and settling down to watch over the camp.

I felt the blanket being pulled from under my body and over my shoulders. A hand tucked the warm fabric under my chin, lingering briefly over the skin. "Ah, Sango," whispered Miroku's voice in my ear. "The things you do to me."

If it hadn't been for the fact he'd said it without a hint of pervertedness, I would have abandoned all pretence and slapped him hard. As it were, I found it rather sweet.

_Damnit, woman! You have no self-control when it comes to that perverted monk! _scolded my inner voice.

***************************************************************************************************************

The next day, everyone felt well enough to travel. We were lucky Inuyasha chose to keep his complaints about wasting a day to himself, otherwise even Miroku and I might have not been able to prevent Kagome from 'sitting' him into hell.

After walking for a while, Kagome broke the silence.

"Well, I never want to even _look_ at sake again, let alone drink sake for the rest of my life."

"Me too," I agreed.

"Me three," muttered Inuyasha.

"Hey! I didn't even get to taste some!" whined Shippou from my shoulder.

Miroku grinned and pulled out the sake jar, patting it lovingly. "Then I guess no one will mind if I finish this up myself."

Three scorching glares in his direction made him put it away hastily.

"Idiot," said Shippou in my ear.


	7. Girl, Corrupted

Miroku's POV

Two things kept me cheerful the whole of the next day, despite my not being allowed to partake of my precious sake: the fact that there was only one week left of my _da-ru_, and I had successfully thwarted Sango's plans.

The poor girl was completely subdued for the past week after I told her that she'd groped me. From the way a slight tinge of colour came into her face whenever our eyes met, I figured she wouldn't be planning anything for a while yet.

I figured since Sango was suitably mortified, that left Kagome. I needed to get back at her for subjecting me to this living nightmare in the first place.

In a strange twist of events, Sango and Inuyasha went off to hunt for dinner, leaving Kagome and myself alone in the camp. She unwittingly cooperated with me, sending Shippou and Kirara out to gather herbs and edible plants.

"So, this leaves us alone together, Kagome-sama," I said, giving her my most lecherous smile. Damn, it was hard at first. I was so out of practice.

She made a squeaking sound, trying vainly to call them back but finding they were already out of earshot.

"So?" she asked, crossing her arms in a valiant attempt to defend herself by acting as though she couldn't care less.

"I believe that you are not playing fair."

"What?" she said indignantly.

"I agreed to the terms of your _da-ru_, remember – and stuck to it, at great personal suffering," I reminded her, earning a derisive snort. "So it's only fair that you agree to do a _da-ru_ of your own."

Kagome's mouth opened and closed like a fish's, thinking of a way to escape my irrefutable logic. Now it was my turn to gloat, reveling in her discomfort.

"Fine," she mumbled at last, refusing to meet my eyes. "Name your terms."

I made a big show of rubbing my chin. "I think it's only fair we have a similar _da-ru_ for you, now, don't you think?"

"Miroku-sama – !?"

I snickered and Kagome backed away. In retrospect, I must have looked less a holy man and more like Naraku. Hell, I could have beaten him when it came to sneaky, devious plots. Or at least, that's what I thought must have been running through Kagome's mind, judging by the way she was looking at me.

She laughed nervously. "Now, now, Miroku-sama…"

"I challenge you, Kagome-sama… to grope every single male you come across. Humans or humanoids only, no one under the age of sixteen, I'm not _that _perverted. And nobody over the age of sixty, that's just wrong."

The look on her face was priceless. Absolute and utter shock was written all over her features before it morphed into a dangerous-looking combination of venom and resentment.

"Miroku-sama, let's be reasonable – " she managed through clenched teeth.

"But I'm not as evil as you are," I continued placidly as though she had never spoken, "you only have to do it for one day. One _full _day. Sunrise to sunset."

She screwed up her face, no doubt wishing, just once, Inuyasha's rosary was around my neck so she could 'sit' me.

"Alright," snapped Kagome eventually, her face maroon. "I suppose I don't have a choice."

"Excellent!" I clapped my hands together excitedly.

***************************************************************************************************************

The kamis must have been smiling down on me the next day, making up for the lost time I could not commune with the heavenly powers by stroking Sango's ass (the closest thing to heaven on earth, if you ask me) because many familiar faces showed up.

Her first victim was Inuyasha. Poor man, he had no idea what hit him. When Kagome woke up the next morning, there was a look of abject misery on her face.

Inuyasha opened one golden eye and saw her standing there. "Oy, wench, what're you standing around for? Hurry up, let's go."

He got up and froze, his eyes widening comically.

"What the - !?"

Her eyes screwed tightly shut, Kagome had her hand on his ass, acting as though Inuyasha's buttocks were going to grow fangs and snap her hand off.

Sango's mouth dropped open and Hiraikotsu's strap fell from slack fingers. Shippou fell off her shoulder and Kirara merely stared nonchalantly, looking bored in that unique way only cats can pull off.

I couldn't help but wonder whether she'd seen worse in all her years of existence or was it just a cat thing.

And me? I was enjoying it all. Payback is sweet.

"Kagome!" he squeaked, the hanyou's voice at least ten times more high-pitched than normal. "What are you – "

"Osuwari!" she shouted, slamming him face-forward into the hard dirt and running off, the picture of complete mortification.

For once, Inuyasha was too shocked to swear or even respond to that undeserved 'sitting'. He just sat up, staring after her. The others did too, blinking as though waking up from a strange dream.

Sango was the first to recover, marching over and grabbing the front of my robes, an accusing look on her pretty face.

"You wouldn't have anything to do with this, would you, houshi?" she asked, glaring at me.

"Me? What makes you think so, my dear Sango?"

She released me, going over to pull a stunned Inuyasha to his feet. She had to. There wasn't any evidence directly linking me to Kagome's behaviour.

I put on a mock-hurt look. "Why are you suspecting me?"

"Because," put in Shippou, "you're the perverted one here."

"I am so misunderstood…"

A dazed Inuyasha started walking ahead, a flush beginning to creep up over his face. He was really such an innocent boy, I mused. One grope and he was so affected…

Kagome burst out of the bushes ahead without warning, her hand flying to my ass. While her technique wasn't as good as Sango's, it wasn't bad, especially since my ass was only the second one she'd ever rubbed. It didn't matter. She'd have plenty of practice before the day was done, I reckoned.

I winked at her. Really, the maroon coloration had yet to dissipate from the early morning.

"My, my, Kagome-sama, aren't you a frisky one today!"

Sango automatically whacked me over the head with Hiraikotsu, though her heart wasn't in it.

"Shut up," mumbled Kagome, obviously mortified.

We actually managed to proceed on for a while in silence, Inuyasha mostly recovered but still strangely quiet.

Abruptly, he lifted his nose and scowled.

"Keh!" he said contemptuously, his voice back to its normal tone. "I smell something foul coming this way."

"Oh no," said Kagome weakly, colour rushing back into her cheeks as the tunnel of wind on the horizon got bigger.

"Oh yes," I grinned.

***************************************************************************************************************

I followed her with my eyes as Kagome flopped down on the grass with a huge sigh of relief. In the horizon, the sun sank below the hills, painting the meadows orange and crimson.

"Thank goodness this damn day is over!" she almost shouted, raising her head a fraction to glare at me.

My face was starting to hurt; the grin I wore had been plastered there all day. It just had to be the worst coincidence in the world for the poor girl. First Kouga just had to choose today to reassert his claim to Kagome's heart and had showed up to heckle Inuyasha.

The look on that wolf's face had been priceless when Kagome wormed her hand out of his grasp and clamped it over his ass. I mentally filed the entire tableau away under my vault of precious memories. Once he had got over his shock, Kouga became utterly convinced that she wanted him there and then (that disillusioned demon) and tried to carry her off. Inuyasha and I intervened quickly, stating that we had been groped before he had, nullifying his claim.

But I caught a glimpse of him before he sped off as usual. That damn wolf was smirking, he loved it.

It was a good thing he left so quickly, because Sesshoumaru and his retinue had turned up not long after…

"Incidentally, Kagome-sama, how did Sesshoumaru's ass feel like? I bet it must have been nicer than Kouga, he's got that tail in the way. Don't tell me about Naraku, though, I can't believe you actually went and grabbed his buttocks. Did you have fun?" I asked and promptly got clobbered by Hiraikotsu for my pains. Honestly, the way Sango kept hitting me with it lately, I was going to sport a giant boomerang-shaped dent in my skull.

"I don't want to talk to you," declared the young miko, covering her face with her hands. "I am constructing a Cone of Silence around me. Nothing – " she traced a vague triangle shape around her head " – penetrates the Cone. Nothing leaves, nothing gets in."

Sango stared confusedly at her, then to me, her eyes questioning. I shrugged back. Must be some magical device from Kagome's time… Funnily, we could still hear her talking to herself.

"I still can't believe I did that!" rambled on Kagome's voice, now talking to no one in particular. "I feel like one of those slutty girls I saw on MTV that time before Mama saw and cut our American cable television access!"

Sango backed away from her friend nervously, opting to sit beside me instead, much to my delight.

Shippou joined us an instant later, his little eyes bugging out in fear. "Miroku, Kagome's really scary, can't you exorcise her or something?"

"She appears to have been embarrassed into temporary insanity, Shippou," I shrugged. "My holy sutras won't have any effect."

Sango turned and glared, a withering one which could send a grown man running for cover. "And whose fault is this, monk?"

"Ya mean Miroku has something to do with this?"

Inuyasha appeared out of nowhere, uncharacteristically meek and subdued. His golden gaze was quite unsettling.

She folded her arms, a pose Shippou quickly adopted. "He must have said something to her. Knowing you, Houshi-sama, anything perverted and lecherous has something to do with you."

_How true._

A dangerous-looking spark had appeared in the corner of the hanyou's eye. "What did ya do to her?" he growled menacingly.

"Come with me and I'll explain," I whispered, low enough so only his ears could pick up. Walking away nonchalantly, Inuyasha soon crashed through the bushes after me.

"So what's so secretive that you won't let Sango and Shippou hear?"

"It's a _da-ru_," I said. "Kagome set me my _da-ru_, so I thought it would only be fair if I set her one too. She had to grope every male we came across for one day."

"Keh," he snorted. "I should've known it was your fault, you lecher. I thought I was going mad when Kagome groped me."

"Admit it, you liked it."

Inuyasha's mouth fell open. "I – you damned filthy pervert – "

I folded my arms and smirked.

He blushed. A split-second later, he lashed out with his fist and connected with my head.

"Ow!"

"Bouzu."

Laughing (and rubbing my poor, sore head), I turned and walked away returning back to the campsite. A flushed Kagome was sitting up on a convenient log, apparently waiting for us.

"Inuyasha!" She flew over to the hanyou following close behind me and seized his arm.

"K – Kagome!" he gulped.

"I'm sorry about today. It won't happen again."

He managed to regain his customary gruff exterior. "Feh. You'd better not."

Beaming, she let go of the sleeve of his haori and set about preparing dinner. It looked like things were back to normal…

… But I just couldn't resist a last jibe. "Ano, Kagome-sama… so honestly, tell us who was the owner of the finest ass you've groped today," I said innocently as we ate.

She never looked up from her ramen. "Hmmm… I don't know. Sesshoumaru's ass was rather nice and tight, so was Kouga's, tail and all. I think it's sexy, so feral. Yours wasn't bad either, I guess the robes hide it. Sango-chan would know what I'm talking about. Let's not count Naraku, because it isn't even his body anyway. Inuyasha's was the best, of course."

Two loud clunks resonated around the clearing. Both Inuyasha and Sango had dropped their bowls and were staring open-mouthed at Kagome, red-faced. They started talking at once.

"You wench – !"

"Kagome-chan – !"

Calmly slurping up the last of her ramen, she set the bowl down and walked over to me.

"Sango-chan, may I…?" she called at the stunned slayer. Like a fool, I sat grinning up at her, knowing full well what was going to happen.

Ah well. It was well worth it.

Without waiting for her friend's reply, Kagome picked up Hiraikotsu and knocked me over the head with it.

I fell back, the world swimming around me. She hit a lot harder than I had thought she would.

"Gah, Sango, this thing's heavy!" I dimly heard her saying from some distant corner of my spinning universe. "How do you manage?!"

I believe I passed out around there.

When I came around later on, there was a cool cloth on my forehead. A blurry form on my right shifted and solidified into Sango.

"Oh, good, you're awake," she said in relief. "That's a nasty lump on your head, Houshi-sama, Kagome-chan dealt you quite the blow. How do you feel?"

"Better," I said, trying to get up when she slapped me across the face, knocking me back down. The slap was less powerful than her normal ones, though. I was secretly glad for her restraint.

"That's for torturing her, you pervert, and for her behaviour," she snapped. "I know you had something to do with it, I just don't know what yet. You're lucky she didn't hit you harder. Frankly, I was surprised Kagome-chan could even swing my Hiraikotsu like that."

"I know," I mumbled. "Who knew the innocent girl act hid such a violent personality?"

I closed my eyes again as Sango turned away but I caught a hint of a gleeful smirk on her face.

_You're secretly glad I got thumped, Sango you masochist. Just you wait. For that smirk alone, I'm planning something special for you._

**Author's Note: **I apologise for the high levels of crack and hence the rampant OOCness.


	8. Bonus Chapter: WTF, Kagome!

**Dedication:** For my BB, **nonbender7**who got through mono for this so-called 'crack masterpiece'. BBBF (Best BBs Forever)

**Author's Note:** This is **not** the next chapter of TGONTG but a special bonus chapter for my dear BB. RL is making me not funny. When I'm not funny, I don't write good crack.

* * *

After Kouga had left, Kagome stood rooted to the spot, her face crimson with embarrassment. Miroku smirked at her, sweeping off down the dusty road, pretending he did not notice anything out of the ordinary.

"I have to do _this_… for the whole day…" The schoolgirl stared at her hand as though it was an alien thing she had never seen before. "I am going to kill him."

"Kagome-chan!" called Sango, waving her arm at her.

She ran to catch up, drawing her lips together into a thin line. "I'm fine," she automatically responded to the look of concern on the older girl's face. "Really."

Sango shot a glare at the monk's back but decided not to press her friend: it simply was not in her nature. Kagome would talk when she felt like it.

Today, Shippou was walking ahead with Kirara, choosing to stay away from Kagome. Now and then he looked back at her with round fearful eyes.

Inuyasha still looked dazed.

Time passed uneventfully and before they knew it, the sun was directly overhead and the uncomfortable heat made it impossible for the group to continue traveling. They chose a shady tree by the roadside to rest and have some lunch.

Kagome was almost recovered from the three mortifying experiences of the morning, partly because they had not encountered anyone since then and partly because her friends did not make any comments. Apart from Miroku's ever-present smirk, which she pointedly ignored.

Everyone was behaving as if it had never happened, even Inuyasha, though he was still rather subdued. Kagome could not decide whether it was a good thing or a bad thing.

Conversation was practically nonexistent, Sango and Shippou occupying themselves with sneaking furtive glances at her as though Kagome was going to explode any second. Miroku lounged under the tree and chuckled to himself quietly now and then. Inuyasha was on all fours, his ears droopy.

One ear twitched suddenly and the hanyou scowled.

They heard it then: distant crashing through the undergrowth, signaling the approach of someone.

Kagome screwed up her eyes. _Please, please let it not be a man… _she prayed fervently. _Kamis, Buddha, I don't care who, but if you grant my wish, I'll believe in you!_

Meanwhile, Miroku was praying for the exact opposite.

"Kagome-sama!"

Rin crawled out of the bushes, a shy grin on her face. Her orange kimono was snagged with small twigs and leaves. It was obvious she had been fighting through the forest for quite some time.

Kagome's face lit up, though it was anyone's guess whether it was because she was happy to see the young girl or because it was not a potential grope victim.

Miroku made a sound of disappointment. "Oh, too bad."

Rin began picking the vegetation from her clothes, Kagome helping her.

"Rin-chan, why are you alone?" asked the older girl.

"I'm not alone!" she said brightly, picking out a leaf from her hair. "Jaken-sama's with me… Sesshoumaru-sama sent us away to hide while he was busy with some demons."

Inuyasha snorted in the background.

"Oh?" Rin peered into the forest. "That silly Jaken-sama must have gotten lost," she stated matter-of-factly. "He always does that."

Right on cue, the goblin burst out of the bushes and staggered over to them. "There you are, Rin!" he scolded, clutching his staff to balance himself.

Kagome paled. "I'm not groping him!" she hissed at Miroku as Rin and Jaken began arguing noisily in the background.

"I know," he said, looking a little put out. "I was kind enough to leave him out of the _da-ru_, you should be thanking me for that."

She wiped her brow, trying very hard not to imagine groping Jaken.

"On the other hand…" added the monk, a devilish grin quickly spreading over his face, "wait until Sesshoumaru gets here…"

The colour that had returned to her face drained away almost instantaneously. Kagome swallowed hard.

"He'll kill me!"

Miroku shrugged vaguely. "We'll deal with that when it comes."

Kagome stared at him in horror before rushing over to Inuyasha and grabbing his arm. "Inuyasha, let's go now, hurry!"

He blinked incredulously at her. "What? What's the big hurry, wench?"

"We meet again, Inuyasha." The elegant figure of Sesshoumaru swept imperiously from the forest.

"Sesshoumaru-sama!" squealed Rin and Jaken eagerly, running forward to greet the taiyoukai. Kagome groaned. _Too late…_

The hanyou leapt to his feet, every muscle in his body rigid. "Keh, there you are. You should take better care of your belongings."

Lightning crackled between the two as their eyes met, one pair calm and icy and the other blazing and determined.

"This Sesshoumaru does not care for your unbecoming insolence. It reflects your mixed blood, hanyou."

"What did ya say, ya idiot?!"

While they stood and argued, Kagome looked at Miroku.

"You can't be serious!" she squeaked.

He merely grinned. "Go on, while he's distracted."

"… You complete asshole. I don't care if Sango gets upset, I am going to kill you."

"Oh, come on!" sighed Miroku, cold sweat forming on his face as he tried to dissipate the tangible waves of hatred oozing from Kagome's every pore. "Look at it this way: you'll have the inestimable experience of groping a demon lord."

"An honor I can very well do without," she snapped.

"Such harsh words," he commented. "Hurry up, you're wasting precious time."

Hesitantly, Kagome sidled behind Sesshoumaru, eyeing his entire back. She shot a last minute _this-is-all-your-fault-you-lecher-I'm-never-going-to-forgive-you-for-this_ glare at Miroku who flashed back a smile and a hearty thumbs up.

_Was it just me, or did she say "This is all your fault, you lecher, I'm never going to forgive you for this" with her eyes? _wondered the monk.

Kagome had never been this close to the taiyoukai before and she was intimidated by how tall he was. Up close, she could appreciate the intricate patterns of his kimono, the silvery curtain of hair the same shade as his brother's, the mokomoko slung over one shoulder…

She had to do it fast before Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru stopped trading insults and started drawing their swords. Who knew the penalty the perverted monk might impose for not completing the da-ru… And of course, she was never one to lose. In her school, Kagome had achieved notoriety for kissing the school jock on a dare. While the kiss itself had not been particularly spectacular, it was the location of the kiss which had tongues wagging…

Much as she hated to admit it, Miroku was right. It got progressively easier to grope guys. Just locate the butt, put your hand there and stroke. It was unthinkable, it was embarrassing, it was shameful…

It felt pretty good.

Gathering her courage, Kagome shut her eyes tightly and put her hand out.

Gyaaah! She was expecting firm, shapely buttocks – no less from the pretty Sesshoumaru – but the texture under her fingers was soft and squishy, with the merest hint of bone underneath. And the demon lord seemed to be oblivious to having his personal space invaded.

She dared a peek. _Oh…_ Kagome had her hand on his mokomoko.

Miroku covered his face with his hand. _Damnit, half the fun is in looking… That way, you don't make a mistake like that._

Kagome removed her hand and tried again, cupping Sesshoumaru's ass in both hands this time. _Might as well go out in a blaze of glory…_

"This Sesshoumaru tires of your – " The demon lord stopped mid-sentence, his eyes widening a fraction.

"What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?" sneered Inuyasha, his hand on Tetsusaiga's hilt.

"No. Your miko appears to have got my posterior."

Kagome let go instantaneously and ran for safety behind the confused hanyou. "Inuyasha, save me!" she squeaked.

He stared open-mouthed at her. "What were ya doing back there, Kagome? And what the hell just happened?"

A loud clunk as Sango dropped Hiraikotsu. "Houshi-sama…" she stammered, "Kagome-chan didn't just do what I thought I saw she did, did she?"

Miroku was barely able to keep the smug grin from his features. "Hai, I'm afraid so…"

Two tiny spots of colour appeared high on Sesshoumaru's cheeks and Jaken gasped.

"Is milord _blushing_?" He was silenced with a well-placed kick which flattened most of the imp into the dirt. Rin clapped her hands.

"Good kick, Sesshoumaru-sama!"

The demon lord turned his attention back to Kagome, who squeaked again and buried her face in Inuyasha's shoulder. The red hue of her cheeks was practically indistinguishable from his robes.

"No one has ever dared commit such an act of – _lewdness_ – to this Sesshoumaru's person," he said coldly. "What possessed you to do such a thing, I might ask?"

Inuyasha stared from the youkai incandescent with rage to the mortified girl and a light bulb went on in his head. "Kagome… you didn't grope him, did you?"

Another squeak.

"First me and Miroku, then that flea-bitten wolf and now him? Tuh, your taste in men is really hitting rock-bottom."

"Watch what you say, hanyou," warned Sesshoumaru, his fingers caressing Tokaijin's hilt. "It could very well be your last."

"Oh, yeah?" sneered the younger demon, pushing Kagome back with one arm and drumming a tattoo on Tetsusaiga's hilt with the fingers of the other hand.

Abruptly, the tension in the air fizzled. The demon lord glanced at them both with cool indifference before turning to walk away, apparently deciding it was not worth it.

"Oi! Where're ya going, you bastard!" yelled Inuyasha.

"Sesshoumaru-sama?" asked Jaken.

"Rin, Jaken, we're leaving," said the taiyoukai flatly, sweeping into the forest from where he had emerged earlier.

The young girl knew better than to question her lord and with a last goodbye: "Bye Kagome-sama, Inuyasha-sama, everyone!", she plunged back into the undergrowth after him. Jaken followed suit, minus the farewells.

The Inu-tachi stared after them, jaws hanging open. Even Miroku was surprised.

"Did Sesshoumaru just leave?" asked a dumbfounded Inuyasha.

"Apparently he did," answered the monk.

Kagome gulped. She was painfully aware of how close it had been.

Sesshoumaru strode away as Rin and Jaken struggled to catch up.

"Sesshoumaru-sama!" Their cries rang out through the wood.

Finally, he paused to give them time to arrive. "Whew," panted Rin, her hands on her knees. "Sesshoumaru-sama can walk really fast!"

The toad imp's attention was fixated on his master. "Why did milord let the wench get away with – with that?" he whined.

The little girl blinked, wide-eyed with innocence. "What's wrong, Jaken-sama? Kagome-sama was just showing affection to Sesshoumaru-sama."

"You – she – " spluttered the minor demon.

"Hn." The demon lord's faint sound of disapproval cut through the babble of voices instantly and he began walking again. She beamed and ran after him, her bare feet slapping against the muddy path. Jaken blanched before running after them.

The dignified expression on Sesshoumaru's face gave way to a hint of a smile.

_Maybe I should pay a visit to that half-breed's woman sometime in the future._

***************************************************************************************************************

Not very long after Sesshoumaru and his group had departed, Inuyasha's group also set out. The hanyou was more bewildered and perplexed by Kagome's behavior than ever – especially since after she groped his half-brother.

"Surely she isn't turning into another Miroku?" he grumbled under his breath, keeping one eye on her.

An explanation was long overdue.

Shippou clung to Sango's left shoulder, Kirara perched on the right. "Kagome's gonna be fine, isn't she, Sango?" he asked.

The slayer smiled at him. "Of course she will."

_Otherwise I'll make sure you won't see another day, Houshi-sama._

Bringing up the rear was a miserable Kagome, Miroku trying to cheer her up. "Oh, lighten up, Kagome-sama!" he said brightly. "It wasn't that bad, wasn't it?"

She glared up at him, making him jump backward in alarm. "Don't go about digging yourself a deeper grave, Miroku-sama," she muttered.

Before he could open his mouth to retort, the sky overhead darkened.

"Ku ku ku ku…"

Shouki swirled over them and they began coughing and choking. When it cleared, Naraku stood there, wearing his usual baboon skin with the mask down and an evil smirk.

Instead of the usual reactions he was expecting ("It's Naraku! Die, you evil bastard! I will avenge my people!), the demon was confused when all eyes slid sideways to Kagome, the latter covering her face with her hand.

"Aw man! Why did you have to show up today?"

Naraku made a confused face. "What's wrong with me showing up? I'm going to kill you all today."

"No you won't!" shouted Inuyasha, drawing his sword and attacking. Sango followed suit, hurling Hiraikotsu from Kirara's back.

As they fought, Miroku nudged the schoolgirl's elbow, grinning from ear to ear. "Gambatte, Kagome-sama."

"You can't be serious!" squealed Kagome. "It's… Naraku! The evil Naraku we've been trying to kill!"

"We've already established that fact."

"I'm not going to put some stupid _da-ru_ over our mission!" she stormed. "Only a pervert like you could think about that at a time like this…"

Miroku tilted his head to one side. "I'm flattered."

Naraku got a little fed up, noticing that Miroku and Kagome were openly ignoring him and holding their own private conversation. His body bubbled and oozed, the flesh melting and running as the outlines of Kagewaki's body began to blur.

By the time the metamorphosis had finished, Kagewaki's body was left perched on a mass of sickly green flesh and tentacles.

"Die," he said simply, simultaneously releasing heavy clouds of shouki and shooting jagged tentacles at the group.

Inuyasha dashed in, cutting left and right. "Oi, Kagome, Miroku!" he bellowed. "Don't just stand there!"

"R – right!" Kagome notched an arrow in her bow and fired it, the projectile purifying the shouki around the fighters.

"Don't forget the _da-ru_!" chimed in Miroku cheerfully as he severed a pulsating tentacle in two. Her head snapped up.

"What? Are you mad?" She waved her bow in the general direction of Naraku. "He has no _ass_, in case you haven't noticed!"

"Then go for the general area," the monk shot back, unfazed. "_Da-ru_, remember."

"… You perverted, lecherous – " Kagome cut herself off, cowed into silence by his sheer single-mindedness. Arguing with him would be useless.

While the others were busying themselves with killing Naraku, Kagome snuck around the back, leaving a trail of purified shouki.

The back view was even more revolting than she had imagined: it was pulsating (and was it green slime it was oozing?) and writhing with tentacles. In the midst of the forest she caught a glimpse of Kagewaki's ass. Kagome winced; at least Sesshoumaru had been more appealing.

"… I'm going to kill you, Miroku. Then I'm going to borrow Tenseiga – since Sesshoumaru apparently doesn't mind me – and resurrect you and kill you again."

Kagome rolled up her sleeve apprehensively. With a silent cheer of "Banzai!", she thrust her arm through the sticky flesh, took hold of Kagewaki's ass and rubbed.

Naraku was about to impale Inuyasha with a mass of crystallized shouki when he blanched.

"What the – !"

He had just felt a hand grope him. Not kill him, not implant fake Shikon shards or some other means designed to ensure his death. Instead, somebody had copped a feel of his ass.

_Technically, it isn't ours, its Kagewaki's,_ reminded Onigumo's voice. Naraku ignored him.

When he turned around, he saw Kagome running away, her face red. "You?! You groped me??"

A pair of clunks as Sango dropped Hiraikotsu and Inuyasha dropped Tetsusaiga. Unfortunately for Miroku, he had no opportunity to gloat as Hiraikotsu fell on his head and knocked him cold, owing to the fact she was airborne at the moment.

"How dare you take me for a fool!" stormed Naraku, his composure completely shattered. It was the last straw. Nobody respected villains these days.

This time, Kagome was too traumatized to run to Inuyasha. She blew past the others, disappearing into the forest to find a stream to wash her hand.

The entire battle hung suspended, everyone there frozen in comical poses. The stillness was broken by the hanyou.

"Kagome… _groped_… Naraku?" mumbled Inuyasha, his eyes as wide as saucers.

"Kagome-sama groped Naraku!" said Miroku a little groggily as he returned to consciousness.

Sango blushed furiously as Kirara descended to the earth. Hopping off, she hauled the dizzy monk upright and glared furiously at him.

"I just know you have something to do with this, you pervert!" she snarled.

He attempted to let out a jaunty chuckle but it came out as a squeak of fear; Sango usually had that effect on him. Miroku was quietly grateful that the day was drawing to a close. He was not sure how long he was going to last.


	9. Night Of The Full? Moon

**Author's Note:** For **nonbender7**, because you need something cracky to take your mind of RL. *hugs from your BB*

* * *

Sango's POV

The night sky was gorgeous. A few stray clouds drifted across the blue-black sky, framing the moon…

The moon. I squinted frantically at it. It was almost full, lacking only a sliver of its side. That meant… Miroku's _da-ru_ would be coming to an end soon.

Inuyasha must have noticed my silent meltdown because he leaned over, one ear flicking. "What's the matter, Sango?"

_What's the matter, indeed. That was putting it lightly._

I shook my head, glad the darkness mostly hid my face. "Nothing."

_Damnit, this isn't good at all,_ I moaned internally. _I won't be safe from that pervert._

My hand hadn't sprung into action for a good long time – I wondered whether it would be out of practice. To be honest, I kind of missed the whistling as I wound up my body, the solid thwack of my palm connecting with his cheek, the sharp tingling of my skin of my hand afterwards.

_Kami-sama! I'm turning into a monster!_

"You're sure nothing's the matter?" growled Inuyasha suddenly.

I touched my cheeks – they were hot. _Oh damn._

"Ah – nothing, really…"

He snorted, unconvinced.

"Ano… Inuyasha…?"

"Huh?"

"When do you think the moon will be full?"

He squinted at the sky. "Couple of days, four at the most. Why?"

"I was just wondering! It's such a nice night tonight, don't you think?" I interjected hastily, trying to change the subject. "I was expecting rain because it's been cloudy all day, but I guess I made a mistake."

I knew I was babbling – Inuyasha knew I was too, judging by the upraised eyebrow – but I didn't care.

_I have got to stop blushing all the damn time. I feel like a bloody candle. _

The hanyou wisely chose not to pursue it and turned away with a sound of annoyance. "Women."

* * *

Miroku appeared when I least expected it. I was dozing, head nodding when I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder.

Instinct took over and I lashed out, sweeping his feet out from under him with a roundhouse kick. When he crashed heavily on his back, I drew the hidden knife I carried and pressed it against the flesh of his neck.

"Sango, it's me, Miroku!"

"Houshi-sama?"

I let go, sheepish and watched guiltily as he rubbed his neck. "You shouldn't sneak up on me like that, Houshi-sama!" I scolded him. "This isn't the first time as well. You should know better than this by now, I could have accidentally killed you…"

"But you were half-asleep and I didn't want to startle you or anything," he protested. "Besides, I trust you."

"Inuyasha – where is he?" I looked around wildly. The last thing I knew, he had been sitting with me.

"Inuyasha went back to camp some time ago, saying something about you taking the watch." Miroku grinned abruptly, rubbing his chin. "He seemed to be mumbling something about women…"

I flamed again. _Damn betraying body! Stop being so flustered!_

"I… I have no idea what that was about."

"If you ask me, I'm not surprised that fellow's confounded by the mysterious ways of the fairer sex," commented the monk, a spark of mischief in his eye. "Two lovely women vying for his affection and what does he do? Run away, no doubt with his tail between his legs, if he had one."

The outrageous mental image generated made me laugh. I was about to snort in a most unladylike manner but caught myself in time, covering my mouth with my hand and tittering.

He laughed too, in an easy loose manner I envied. Head tossed back, legs and arms spread out. His hands were splayed out with the fingers resting among the blades of grass.

It was hard for me to watch him and not think lecherous thoughts. I could either stare and blush, or I could drool openly and not have the blood rush to my cheeks.

I picked the third option: bury my face in my knees, scrub all filthy thoughts from my brain and hope he didn't notice.

He noticed.

"Sango? Is anything wrong?" Miroku leaned over, a concerned look – _Argh, don't wear the concerned look_ – on his face.

I looked at him and shook my head furiously. "N – no, nothing!"

"… Whatever you say," he smirked, settling himself back. A fraction closer to me, I noted. _He's harmless, Sango, relax,_ I reminded myself. _He can't grope you… _but he can still play havoc with my mind. Oh damn.

"Maybe you should get some rest, you look tired," he suggested. "Don't worry – I'll take over the watch."

"That's okay, Houshi-sama! It's my turn to do it, besides, you took the watch last night."

That infuriating man smirked again. "It's no problem. Really. Go to sleep." The corner of his lip twitched. "I would gladly volunteer my services as a pillow, but…"

"… They are not required, thank you!" I said sharply, but the damage was done. Two pink patches of warmth had already appeared on my face. Luckily, the moon had been obscured behind a cloud, preventing him from seeing it.

I was never so thankful to a cloud before.

Miroku chuckled. "As you wish, my dear Sango."

We lapsed into a comfortable silence just as the moon remerged, silvery moonlight spilling over the land. Despite the clouds Inuyasha and I had seen earlier, it was turning out to be a clear night and some stars were visible in between the clouds, scattered over the patches of clear sky.

"What a beautiful moon!" commented Miroku happily. "Oh – it's not full yet. It will be in a few days, I guess."

My head had snapped up instantly the moment he mentioned the moon. Now that he had commanded my fullest attention, I racked my drowsy brains, searching for an answer that would convince him I was still ignorant of the _da-ru_.

"I think so too. Inuyasha said the same thing earlier."

Miroku made a sound of non-committal and I relaxed. Things were practically back to normal between us.

Without warning, a strong north wind picked up and blew through. I shivered, feeling the cold pass my bones. A dusty wind too – I screwed up my eyes against the fine debris it carried, covering my face with my sleeve for further protection.

Finally, the howling died down and I ventured a peek. "That was a sudden wind," I remarked.

Miroku nodded, looking a little disheveled. "No kidding."

I don't know what possessed me to look up – but I did – and saw that all the clouds had been blown away from the moon for the first time that night.

Revealing the fullness of the celestial orb.

_Oh kamis. A full moon. _Ice gripped my heart as out of the corner of my eye, I saw a spark pass through Miroku's eyes. _He's back in business. _

"Hey Sango…"

I forced myself to look him in the eye without showing a trace of nervousness. "Yes?"

He grinned that perverted grin. "If you're feeling tired, come over here and rest your head on my shoulder…"

"I thought we'd already established that I have no need of your services as a pillow?!" I almost squeaked.

"Yes, well, I was just checking…"

I swallowed. If I had known that the full moon was coming in a few days, I would have had the time to prepare myself for the onslaught of personal space violations that lecher was bound to commit. I could then deal with it in the mature, effective way I always did: slap him senseless. I certainly wasn't expecting to be dropped head-first into it like this. My guard was still down, for heaven's sake! I mean, I'm actually taking the watch with Miroku!

When I shook myself out of the second part of my mental meltdown, I noticed he had shifted closer to me, a gleam of I-don't-want-to-know-_what_ in his eyes.

I resisted the urge to move in the opposite direction, forcing a blandly polite look. "Houshi-sama, what is it?"

"It's cold," he answered in such a ridiculously pathetic voice, I didn't know whether to cuddle him or throttle him. "We should huddle together for warmth."

"No, we shouldn't! And kindly keep your hands where I can see them." They immediately withdrew from the grass and settled in his lap.

Miroku pouted. "But why? It's not as though I'm going to grope you, I haven't done that in a month! What makes you think I would try anything now?"

The hideousness and the dreadful irony of the situation would have reduced a lesser woman to hysterics but I remained impassive. "I'm not keen on taking chances, houshi, you know that."

"Huh. Fine."

I kept one eye scanning the surroundings for any threat, the other trained on the delinquent monk and following his every move. Needless to say, it left me rather cross-eyed.

What happened next, I don't know. I must have spaced out, I must have let my concentration slip… but the next thing I knew, Miroku was close to me, so close I could feel the heat radiating off his body. Much too close, in other words.

"Sango…"

I squeaked and waited, my entire body rigid with expectation. The pleasant interlude of comfort and ease had been nice; looks like it was back to the cat-and-mouse relationship that we shared normally. Any moment now, his hand would descend to my ass and my palm twitched, ready to slap him. I could hear the faint rustling noise of the prayer beads binding his hand as it moved towards my rear.

"… You're shivering, here."

Miroku had unknotted his kesa – the source of the noise – and clasping the fabric in both hands, he threw it around my shoulders. The sensation of being engulfed by warmth was soothing: it was like being hugged. A dim childhood memory of being embraced by my father came to mind, the love that enveloped me recalled fondly.

"T – thank you." I pulled it closer around my shoulders, thankful he did not see my blush. I was immensely guilty for suspecting him of lechery when he was just trying to be caring – perhaps_ I_ was the one with the dirty mind.

I felt his hand move towards my back and all sympathy and remorse I had for him evaporated instantly. _Just when I thought Miroku was changed…_

"The back is all bunched up," he commented, tugging on the cloth and smoothing it out with his fingers.

Damnit! That monk had no idea what he was doing to me, making me taut with tension. I'm not going to say anticipation, because I _don't _like being groped. It simply wasn't healthy, all the nerve-wracking he was causing as I waited for the grope that never came.

A lesser woman might have caved in there and then, a twitching wreck, but I was different. I am Sango, the demon slayer, one of the last survivors of my tribe. I am determined. I am fearless. I…

I am going to kill that monk.

He lounged idly by, lying in the grass innocently – but _I_ knew what was on his mind – and looking up at the sky.

"Sango?"

I jumped. "Houshi-sama?"

The monk sat up, brushing dust off his kimono. "Really. You should get some sleep. Come on, now." He got up and tugged on my sleeve. "Go on, I'll take the watch." Without waiting for a response, he scooped me up and walked briskly over to the main camp, where the fire was burning low.

"Houshi-sama?!" I spluttered indignantly, beating his chest ineffectually. "Put me down this instant!" I waited for the hand on my ass: normally, that pervert couldn't resist and he'd grope me while I was helpless like this.

No straying hand. One remained under my knees obediently, the other calmly clutching my shoulders. The shock made me give up my fight and I let him put me down in my bedroll.

"Good night," said Miroku cheerfully, as though nothing had happened, walking away to resume his post.

_Good night indeed,_ I huffed mentally. _How can I sleep when I know his deviously perverted mind is up to something no good?! There's no way Miroku passes up a golden opportunity like that unless…_

_Unless he's going for bigger prizes at the end._

The thought disturbed me profoundly and I spent the rest of the night puzzling over the houshi's actions, working out possible plots, weighing probable motives and the like.

* * *

Kagome woke early the next morning. "Sango-chan!" she squealed, rousing me from my dozing.

"What?" I asked a bit tetchily.

"You look terrible! Didn't you sleep well last night? Inuyasha!" The younger girl wandered off, shouting for the hanyou. "Inuyasha! Where are you?"

"What is it, wench?" The surly dog demon hopped down from the nearest tree, right in front of her. Kagome made an 'eep!' sound and jumped back a pace in fright.

"Don't do that, you scared me!"

Inuyasha scoffed. "Keh, scared of a small thing like that…"

Kagome frowned, the look on her face eerily matching his. "Don't make me say the 's' word… now you've distracted me. Inuyasha, did you make Sango stay up all night?"

His eyes widened indignantly. "No, I didn't!"

She pointed at me. "You take a look at her!"

Inuyasha gulped. "Damn, Sango, you look terrible! Don't tell me you _did_ stay up all night – I didn't tell her to, I swear!"

I had been watching the entire tableau rather wearily – it was far too early in the morning for one of their squabbles – and as they stared at my horrific appearance, I held up placating hands.

"I'm fine, I just couldn't fall asleep last night."

Two pairs of eyes regarded me for an instant before turning back to each other.

"You did say something, didn't you?"

"I didn't! Honestly, wench, sometimes you can be so stupid…"

I sighed, tuning them both out. It seemed as though they wanted to fight and nothing else gave them greater pleasure than taking potshots at each other. I already knew how this one would end: an "Osuwari!" from Kagome and Inuyasha would eat dirt and…

… They'd probably start fighting all over again.

"Sango, didn't you sleep well last night?"

I whirled around. Miroku was kneeling behind me, wearing that concerned face again.

"Houshi-sama… I …"

He shook his head and reached out in the direction of my ass, a grin on his face…

I instantly slapped him. He toppled over comically, a hand flying to his reddening cheek. "Lecher!" I exclaimed almost gleefully. Things were back to normal.

Or so I thought.

Miroku sat up, an expression of indignant hurt in place as he rubbed his sore cheek. "What was that for?"

"You know very well what for! You were trying to grope me just now! Don't lie, I saw that perverted smile on your face!"

"No, I wasn't!" he protested. "I was trying to retrieve my kesa! I was just smiling because you'd thoughtfully folded it up neatly…" I looked in the direction the monk pointed, seeing the neat bundle of cloth resting there, beside my left elbow.

I folded my arms. "No use feeding me excuses, Houshi-sama."

"I hate to say this, Sango – since this is Miroku and all – but he's telling the truth."

"What?" I blinked. Inuyasha and Kagome had stopped fighting and were staring at the both of us.

The hanyou's ear flicked. "His scent's the same. Miroku isn't lying about intending to grope you."

It was Miroku's turn to fold his arms and look offended – although the bright red handprint on his cheek spoiled the effect somewhat. "You see? I've been wrongly accused."

"I – but – you – " I stuttered. I noticed Kagome and Inuyasha were also eyeing Miroku strangely – no doubt because of the _da-ru_.

He stood up, the picture of calm composure. "Come on," he said, "we'd better get moving before the sun's too high."

Miroku took off at a quick pace, Inuyasha and Kagome falling behind him with Shippou, me and Kirara bringing up the rear. As we walked, I listened hard to catch the whispered conversation between the hanyou and the miko. Inuyasha wasn't the only one with sensitive hearing around here.

"What's with that bouzu?" hissed Inuyasha.

Kagome shrugged. "I have no idea – I thought he wasn't stupid enough to try that stunt until the _da-ru_ was over – it isn't the full moon yet, is it?"

"No – Sango and I saw the moon last night. It's coming soon, though: probably in a couple of days."

"Anyway… did Sango-chan seem on edge to you earlier? Normally, she'd wait for the hand to touch her ass before she'd slap him."

"I bet she likes that lecher feeling her up, that's why she waits that long – I mean, with instincts like that? – before clocking him."

Kagome paused to glare hard at the hanyou before she answered. But both shot furtive glances at me, checking whether I was eavesdropping. I deliberately looked away, pretending to be immersed in checking Kirara's fur.

"Sango-chan? Is everything alright?" called Kagome.

_They were suspicious._ I shook my head, smiling brightly. "Yes, Kagome-chan! Just found a flea in Kirara's fur!"

She growled, incensed at the implication that her hygiene levels weren't up to standard – a grave insult for a feline. I scratched behind her ears to placate her.

"Sorry Kirara, just this once. I'll make it up to you."

A red-eyed glare.

"With fish."

Still glaring.

"Okay, okay, big fish. And I'll beg Kagome-chan for some of that salmon you love, okay?"

She purred.

"I've spoiled you, you terrible creature," I muttered under my breath. Glancing at Inuyasha and Kagome, I noticed they were back in huddled discussion and I walked faster to catch up.

" – bet he's just playing with her." Inuyasha's gold eyes were shrewd, flicking to Miroku's back now and then.

"Mmm, I wouldn't put it past him… but they've been getting along so well these past few weeks."

"Keh, you know what he's like – he's dying to get his hands on the women."

"But what about Sango?"

"What about her?"

"Inuyasha, you jerk! You know that Sango-chan has feelings for Miroku-sama – even if you're too thick to notice, I've been telling you for _ages_ – and well, if he goes after other women…" The miko threw up her hands in frustration, seeing the confused look on the dog demon's face. "Well, he shouldn't!"

Inuyasha was about to open his mouth to respond when Miroku stopped short ahead, making the pair of them stumble. "A village!" The hanyou settled for shooting Kagome a look which clearly said "Later." As he walked in front to speak with Miroku, I spotted Kagome sticking out her tongue at his back.

We needed supplies – I vaguely remembered telling Miroku that the other night – but with all the bustle of the morning, all of us had forgotten about it. The monk commandeered the shopping, picking the groceries and essentials with Kagome. Many of the shopkeepers were beautiful young women – a fact that made both Inuyasha and Kagome sneak furtive glances at me – who made no secret of finding Miroku attractive and made their intentions very clear.

Worst of all, that monk was the very model of incorruptibility. He fended off each advance tactfully yet firmly. I'm not joking when I say he left a trail of broken hearts wherever we visited in the village.

And as per the _da-ru_, there was no groping, no flirting and no infamous question.

To say I was baffled was the understatement of the year.

After Miroku crushed yet another maiden's dreams of blissful married life – not to mention after all the staring Kagome and Inuyasha were doing – I couldn't take it any more.

That night, I seized him by the front of his robes (after he plucked yet another leaf from my butt) and dragged him to a quiet clearing where we could talk in private.

No mean feat, given Inuyasha's hanyou hearing.

He turned wide, innocent eyes on me. "Why, Sango, what's wrong? You've been very tetchy all day… Did I do something to offend you?"

"You know very well what you've been doing!"

"But the girls… I turned them all down! And I didn't grope them, you saw – "

I huffed. "I know! That's what's been bothering me!" I could have sworn I saw him smirk.

"You and I both know the _da-ru_ is over!" I informed him.

Surprise flitted across his features. "It is?"

_If he wasn't going to drop that boyishly adorable smile, I am going to throttle him. _"You know it is! The moon was full last night!"

I grabbed the front of his already wrinkled robes again. "I can't take it any more, Houshi-sama! Hurry up and grope me, so I can slap you!"

He blinked. "Why would I want to grope you, Sango?"

"Because you're a pervert and a lecher, you delinquent monk!" I growled.

"That's harsh."

Releasing him, I thought I would go mad from frustration.

"Wait a second…" Miroku frowned. "How did you know about the _da-ru_?"

"I overhead Inuyasha, Kagome-chan and you talking about it weeks ago."

"Ah," he smiled. "That Inuyasha has a big mouth."

"Houshi-sama, you're missing the point here!" I was this close to losing self-control over his not-gropes, and he was talking calmly about Inuyasha's inability to keep a secret. Men were hard enough to understand, let alone this perverted monk. "The thing is: you love to grope me! Now you can, you should be unable to keep your hands off my ass!"

He raised an eyebrow. "… I can't believe that just came out of _your_ mouth, Sango. And you all say _I_ have a filthy mind."

I blushed furiously as the impact of what I just said hit home; I've been spending too much time with Miroku. Covering my hot face with my hands, I turned away from him.

"Besides," said a masculine voice dangerously close to my ear, "what's the fun of being so predictable? I find the suspense quite exciting."

I wheeled around just as Miroku stepped back, the infamous lecherous grin in place. "You mean – you know – you were – " Half-finished questions and thoughts shot out, each replaced by another equally chaotic thought.

_He knew. He was toying with me the whole time. _Realization struck my brain like white-hot lightning.

"You perverted – !" I drew my hand back to slap him but its motion was arrested by a warm hand on my wrist.

"Now, Sango," he chided, "I don't think that's a slappable offence, now, is it?"

Forget slapping. I wanted to pound him into a pulp. Pivoting on one foot, I shifted my weight and reached for his other hand.

Miroku must have guessed what was on my mind; he darted out of my grasp and let go. I dropped into the cat stance, calming my breathing. I wasn't going to win, flustered like this.

"Come on, Houshi-sama," I grinned. That irascible monk grinned back, only his was definitely more perverted.

I struck out, one hand going for his ribs, the other for his throat. A quick end, no need to make it any messier than it already was. Miroku dodged both and his fist lunged out. _Chinese tiger-style,_ said my warrior's instinct, reading the lines of his body. Despite my foreknowledge, those robes camouflaged the movements well.

My foot went up to where I guessed his torso would be and I let out a grunt. It missed completely: Miroku moved around it and disappeared. Before I could turn around, arms wrapped around my body; one around my shoulders, pulling me backward, the other around my waist, pinning my arms to my sides.

I flew backward into a very solid wall. "I win," breathed his voice from somewhere above my head.

I was about to retaliate with a quick elbow to his gut when the ludicrousness of the situation sank into my rational mind.

"Fine, Houshi-sama, you win this time," I acknowledged, squirming out of his grasp. "You fight dirty."

Miroku answered me with another lecherous grin. "I have too, otherwise you'd flatten me."

Just then, Kagome's voice rang through the trees. "Sango-chan, Miroku-sama! Where are you?"

I was about to shout back when I remembered. "Oh, shit…" We were both panting and red-faced, sweaty from the fight. Our clothes were disheveled as well: especially for Miroku, since I'd been pulling on them a lot.

That monk was about to say something when our condition dawned on him. "My, Sango, you are a wild one, dragging me out here to deflower a blushing virgin like myself."

I clobbered him over that thick skull of his. "Shut up, it's not funny! Oh no, they're going to think we were doing _that_…"

I paused mid-freakout. "… And since when were _you_ a virgin? I think you don't even know the meaning of the word!"

"True, true," he sighed. "Shall I demonstrate my complete lack of understanding of the word…?"

"Now's not the time!" I hissed, just as the bushes rustled and Kagome, Inuyasha, Shippou and Kirara poked through.

Four pairs of inquisitive eyes traveled over our bodies, taking in the disheveled appearance, the lecherous grin on Miroku's face, the horrified expression on mine, the red hue of both.

Kagome immediately covered Shippou's eyes. "Hey!" he protested, kicking his little legs. "Why can't I see? Adults get all the fun…"

"Damnit, can't you keep your hands off each other, or at least wait until everyone's asleep before doing _that_?!" muttered Inuyasha. "Keh, so it's true the _da-ru_'s over…"

"Inuyasha!" scolded Kagome, her cheeks quite pink as she tried to avoid meeting my gaze. "We're sorry for interrupting, we should have waited back at the camp – "

"Kagome-chan! It's not what you think!" I desperately tried.

" – we'll just go back now, err, come and find us later, okay?"

She winked as she herded Inuyasha and Shippou off. Kirara was left there, peering up at me with round eyes. I turned to her.

"Kirara! You believe me, don't you?"

She mewed and walked off, tails in the air, with all the airs of a approving parent. Obviously, she wasn't going to forget the flea episode in a hurry.

Miroku snickered. "Since they all already think we did _that_, why don't we just do it then? No need to hide it from them now."

"You pervert!" I growled. "This is all your fault and that's the only thing you can think about now?!"

"Well, it is rather distracting, you know…"

"… Shut up. I don't want to hear anything right now, especially not from you."


	10. Hell Hath No Fury Like Sango Scorned

Miroku's POV

After the events of last night, it would appear that I had won in the end. My dear Sango should have known better than to go head-to-head with an incomparable pervert such as myself, _da-ru_ or no _da-ru_.

But I could never resist her charms.

I was lucky she didn't slap me into oblivion; after having the other members of our party stumble on us, she had been too mortified to do anything but let go of my robes and stumble rather dazedly back towards the campsite.

I barely paused to straighten out my clothes before following closely behind, paying no heed to the looks shot my way by Inuyasha and Kagome as I came through the bushes. Sango appeared to be busy with the fire, but I could clearly see there was nothing in her hands.

Mushin had taught me everything I knew: how to harness one's spiritual power and use it against enemies, how to fight with my shakujou, how to make a silent and hasty get-away with the bulk of a household's treasures… but most important of all, he taught me everything I knew about women. Putting it lightly, it was hard to believe he was a monk, what with the stories he told.

What was it he said about the warning signs of a seething woman? I racked my brains, recalling them.

_Palpable aura of anger swirling around her head?_ I checked – Sango was surrounded by so much fumes, she resembled a pot of incense. Even Inuyasha was afraid to breathe around her for fear she might take offence and punish him.

_Excessive violence inflicted on whatever she lays her hands on?_ My lovely slayer was surrounded by cracked cups and wrinkled clothes. Now, she wielded a dangerous-looking knife and was currently butchering a fish meant for our dinner in a manner Naraku would have approved of, conveniently ignoring the fact it was long dead.

_A glare that would cause a man to loosen his bowels? _Obviously my master had never met a woman like Sango – every glare of hers was designed to strike terror in the hearts of anyone unlucky enough to incur her wrath. Well, anyone apart from me.

In any case, two out of three danger signs was ample warning for me and I wisely gave her a wide berth as I settled beside the fire, awaiting dinner.

Sango acknowledged my presence with a cold, flinty look which could have easily impaled me, tossing her knife away and taking up a ladle. It soared through the air, embedding itself deeply in a nearby tree, narrowly taking off the pointed tip of Inuyasha's ear. I responded with my customary cheery grin… but just to be on the safe side, I moved off a generous distance, well out of ladle-swinging range. I confess I was half-expecting something hard to come flying after my skull as I went - judging from the fate of the knife.

Kagome went over to pull out the blade and put it somewhere out of her enraged friend's reach. After silencing a jumpy Inuyasha and Shippou, she edged closer to the fire, her hands suspended over the food, wondering whether she should intervene to save our dinner. "Sango-chan…"she said hesitantly.

The young miko flinched involuntarily as her friend turned to face her. "Yes, Kagome-chan?" asked Sango with a fake cheeriness. The unfortunate ladle was held in a death-grip, full of some unidentified substance. I could have sworn I saw Kagome swallow hard.

"N – nothing," replied Kagome quickly, returning the wide smile. "I was just wondering if you needed any help preparing dinner…"

"No need, I can handle it." The slayer resumed her cavalier cooking, the ladle banging against the walls of the pot loudly as she stirred the ingredients.

The younger woman backed away sharpish. "This is all your fault," she hissed in my ear once she was certain we were out of earshot.

I shrugged. "In case you've forgotten, Kagome-sama, this _da-ru_ was your idea in the first place."

"You know I never meant for this to happen!"

"… I see," I said dismissively. In fact, I did know: her matchmaking skills were amateur and fairly obvious to all. She had yet to meet the real matchmakers of our time, they'd probably have her betrothed to the village idiot before she could blink.

My eye fell on a sulky-looking Inuyasha, ears flat in response to both the anger radiating from Sango and in case any more cooking utensils decided to fly his way. _Mmm… not quite, but close. Sometimes he can be so insensitive with respect to Kagome's feelings._

Kagome had quite evidently hoped that by forcing me to give up my lecherous ways (albeit temporarily), it would bring Sango and I closer together. After we had grown closer, she thought the change would become permanent, for Sango's sake. Mission accomplished – a clean one without any trail leading back to her. And it had worked, in the first week.

Poor Kagome had not counted on Sango figuring out what was going on prematurely and trying to match wits with me.

I had to admit, the current situation looked rather bleak, from an outsider's point of view: Sango was fuming, she'd probably take quite a long time to cool down. Even then, it would still leave us estranged, in a position no better than the one we'd started out from.

Then again, an outsider would be confused by the relationship I had with that beautiful, fiery slayer.

Inuyasha had meekly approached, keeping Kagome between himself and the furious woman cooking at the fire. Shippou and Kirara followed close behind, the little cat also wary of her mistress' anger.

"Boy, when Sango's mad, she's nearly as scary as you when you're mad at Inuyasha, Kagome," commented Shippou.

"I agree," I chipped in, earning myself a very dirty look from Kagome.

"Dinner's ready," announced Sango curtly, making everyone jump. Kagome recovered sufficiently to rush over and take the steaming bowls from the fireside.

I eyed the meal warily: what if she had slipped something nasty into mine? My eyes darted over to the blue pack in which she kept her slayer gear. It wasn't very far from where she was… I knew she had a large array of poisons… I wouldn't put it past her to be angry enough to use some of them…

"Hey bouzu, not hungry?" Inuyasha was gobbling his food as usual.

"… I've kind of lost my appetite."

He leaned in conspiratorially. "It's good – trust me. Truth to be told, it's better than Sango's normal cooking."

"Maybe you should make her this angry more often," he added happily, snagging the untouched bowl from my hand and devouring its contents.

Not far from where we sat, Sango seemed to have calmed down enough to conduct one of what Kagome called their 'girl-talks'. Laughter drifted over to where I sat in my self-imposed exile.

And the night wore on.

With repeated prodding, Inuyasha relented, letting me take the first watch of the night – "Don't you _dare _pull another stunt like the other night, bouzu" – and retired to his usual tree. Kagome and Sango slept a good distance from where I sat, Kirara curled around her mistress in her large form.

I looked up at the stars and they twinkled back. The more I stared up, the more I was disinclined to believe Kagome when she said they were really just balls of fire, like our sun, instead of the souls of our loved ones continuing to watch over us.

The future must be a cold and sterile place bereft of hope.

I blinked. That had been a little harsh. Kagome's land was full of many wonders that we held in awe. It produced the wonderful-smelling soaps Sango loved to use, which made her hair so fragrant. It was the origin of the almost magical food known as Pocky. For goodness' sake, it had produced the sacred Ramen, the only thing other than Inuyasha's rosary capable of subduing him.

But I was getting off track. I yawned, suddenly exhausted by all my thinking and sneezed. Once, twice, thrice with growing ferocity. My stomach chose this moment to protest the stealing of its dinner by the hanyou, growling fiercely.

"Chilly out tonight," I mumbled to myself, thrusting both hands into my sleeves. Just a few more hours before Inuyasha took over the watch; hopefully I wouldn't freeze to death, fall sick or worse until then.

Something cold and hard prodded my shoulder. Before I could whirl around and attack the intruder, she spoke.

"Houshi. Go to sleep, I'll take over the watch." She had her sheathed sword in one hand – I could only suppose I was lucky she hadn't used the naked blade to poke me with.

I blinked in confusion. "Eh? But it's not midnight yet," I said, consulting the timepiece Kagome had given me some time back.

"Go, before I change my mind and leave you out here all night," she all but growled at me.

That was my lovely slayer, all right. She might be angry at me – so angry I didn't know whether she'd ever forgive me – but she cared too much about me not to be concerned about my welfare.

"… Thank you, Sango."

Cold silence. Ah. She was still furious at me.

Staring at the smoldering anger deep in her eyes, I could bear it no longer. My hands flew out of my sleeves, clasping her hand. The sword fell with a light thud to the grass.

"I'm sorry, Sango," I declared passionately through watery eyes. Damn, I _was_ falling ill. "My behavior over the past month was inexcusable. I hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me…"

She stared down at her hand, trapped in both of mine. "Take your hands off me, houshi, before I do it for you," she said but made no move to pull it away.

"What can I do to convince you I'm sorry?"

"Nothing. Let go of me." Sango's lip trembled convulsively. "You knew I knew about the _da-ru_, you played with my feelings… I don't appreciate being treated like that, Houshi-sama." I knew the title had slipped out unconsciously.

There passed an uncomfortable silence which I broke with a sneeze.

The corner of her mouth twitched. "Look at you – you're going to fall sick if you stay out here: you're in no position to take the watch tonight."

I wasn't about to give up without a fight. "Here," I mumbled through a pounding head, "take this. It's cold tonight." I handed over my kesa to her.

She batted my hand away in a fit of petulant anger: the heavy fabric fell from my hand and pooled in the grass between us.

"Damn it, houshi, I'm not taking your kesa! You need it more than I do, at any rate."

"Doesn't matter," I mumbled indistinctly. "Consider it punishment for my mistreatment of you."

I got up and shuffled off to a comfortable spot under a tree, sprawling out my legs in one uninhibited stretch and then pulling back into my usual cross-legged position. Damn, head hurt like hell.

A slight rustling in front made me open my eyes. Sango was crouching down, peering at me. "Hey, houshi. Are you sure you're really alright?"

"Yeah."

She chuffed. The warm air tickled my face. "If you're sure – you don't sound fine to me – oh hell, I think I'm really going to regret this later – "

Sango came closer – so close I could feel the warmth of her body on my skin – and I felt a gentle hand on my forehead, which was withdrawn almost immediately.

"Gods, you're burning up! Miroku, you idiot!" All pretence at anger had vanished from her voice; I cracked open a heavy eyelid to peer at her.

"You said my name," I muttered happily. This must have been a fever-induced dream, but it couldn't been all that bad if it had a nice Sango in it. "You're not mad at me anymore."

"Shut up," she shot back, fraught with anxiety. "Your kesa… I'm going to get some medicine."

Heavy cloth hit me square in the face: Sango had thrown it with unerring accuracy. "What a woman," I said through the kesa.

She had returned by the time I had clumsily tied the kesa around myself.

"Swallow this," she instructed, holding out two strange white pebbles. Obediently, I gulped them down with a swig of water from the bamboo canteen she handed me.

I think it must have been the combined effects of Kagome's miracle medicine with the fever: I suddenly gained the ability to speak my mind. Or maybe it was the knowledge that Sango wouldn't hit me while I was sick.

Whatever it was, the medicine started to talk and I was spectator to it, detached from my own body.

_Hopefully it's as smooth a talker as I am, otherwise I am screwed… or never_ _going to be._

**Author's Note: **_TGONTG_ will be most likely coming to an end soon (I'm trying to aim for 20 chapters).


	11. Physically and Mentally Sick

Sango's POV

"Feel better?" I mumbled.

He blinked, as though trying to focus was a major effort for him. "Much better, now that you're here."

I flushed deep crimson: _must have been the cold weather, _I told myself.

"I told you it was cold, don't you dare fall sick too," he chided me. Instantly, my eyes flashed. _What? Of all the nerve… _

"Me? What about you, you – oh, never mind," I amended hastily, seeing the smirk he wore. I leaned back on my haunches; I was satisfied that idiot houshi was not about to die on me, since he had the energy to make jokes. "So are you really feeling better?"

Miroku grinned then winced. "Why don't you move a little closer and I'll let you know…?"

"No! You filthy lech," I snapped, without any real anger in it. "Yes, you _are _feeling better."

A cold cloth. I had forgotten to get one._ Damn, woman, you're letting this idiot houshi get under your skin; it's making you lose your focus. _I didn't know whether it was a good or bad thing I had come out looking for him after I saw Inuyasha steal his dinner. The Pocky Kagome had entrusted to me (to keep safe from Inuyasha and Shippou's greedy hands) rustled in the front of my kimono as I sloshed a little water onto a rag, forgotten.

"Sango?" I heard his weak voice call.

"Don't move."

I walked back to Miroku. He was lying on his back now, both eyes closed. I draped the damp cloth over his forehead and he sighed happily.

"That feels good."

The childish pleasure he obviously derived from it brought a smile to my lips; it was nearly impossible to stay angry with Miroku.

"Are you still mad at me?"

He was serious now; dulled gray-violet eyes were staring straight at me. I swallowed. I wasn't ready to deal with this right now.

Miroku constantly groping me, I could handle. Just a quick slap as punishment. Anything more than that, he knew I wouldn't hesitate seriously maiming him with Hiraikotsu. But Miroku playing with my feelings, making me believe I loved – _love_ – him… He got me drunk and then did nothing afterwards. I actually kissed him…

That I found hard to forgive.

"Houshi…" I edged my voice with a warning.

He shook his head slightly and the glazed look cleared. "I'm sorry, Sango. What can I do to convince you?"

I hardened my heart even though it was breaking on the inside. "We've discussed this, houshi. I can't possibly forgive your – _actions_ – over the past month. _Da-ru_? So it was all a game to you? See how fast you can win Sango's heart? I am not one of your conquests."

Something shone in his eyes – _gods, were those tears?_ – and my resolve slipped another notch. I didn't need any more guilt on my conscience now.

I needed to get away from this before something broke – either my composure or my heart.

I turned to leave when my sleeve snagged. He had caught hold of it.

"Sango, please."

"Let go of me," I said, trying to sound cold.

"Not until you tell me what I can do to make you forgive me."

Stubborn ass. Even then, I couldn't help but feel a little flare of hope in my belly.

"This isn't you talking. It's Kagome-chan's medicine having this effect on you."

Miroku grimaced and pulled himself up on his elbows. "So you don't love me any more?"

I gave a start, thrown off guard. "I care about you very much – "

"Don't run away from the question, Sango." With a little grunt, he eased himself into a partially-sitting position, most of his body weight borne by his upper arms. "You're always running from your problems."

I bit back an angry retort: unlike him, I was in full control of my mental faculties and I wasn't about to say something I would regret later, if I could help it.

"You'll make yourself worse like that," I told him blandly, avoiding the barb altogether. "Lie down."

Miroku ignored me. His hand let go of my sleeve, moving upwards to grip my wrist firmly.

"So?" he asked.

"So what?"

"Do you love me, like I love you?"

I blanched. "W – where did that come from?"

He shrugged and the cloth slipped down his forehead over his eyes. "Damn cloth," he grumbled thickly, pushing it up further: water trickled between his fingers.

The rivulets looked exactly like tears.

Miroku might have blushed – I couldn't tell, seeing as his whole face was already so flushed – as he mopped his wet face hurriedly. "I'm not crying!" he insisted loudly.

The tension instantly evaporated; I smiled and adjusted the cloth before it could fall off his forehead. "I know." My fingertips grazed heated skin.

"You haven't answered my question," the idiot monk mumbled again, grabbing clumsily for my hand.

I flushed almost as maroon as him; _what on earth is in these strange medicines of Kagome-chan's? _

"I – I didn't catch it," I lied, pushing him down flat on his back. "Get some rest, you'll feel better in the morning."

Obediently, Miroku closed his eyes. Before I could slip away, they snapped open again.

"Stay with me?"

I was immensely thankful no one was awake but us; I could feel my face burning furiously. "I..."

He pouted. "Please?"

"... As long as you don't try anything, you lecher," I said lamely. "_Da-ru_ or no _da-ru_..."

"In my condition? I am so misunderstood."

Just to pretend I was in control of the situation, I muttered a few empty threats: nothing spectacularly colourful, the usual promises of removing various parts of his male anatomy coupled with considerable physical harm to his person.

Miroku responded by smiling that beatific smile that seemed (at least to me) to be saying: _Me? Innocent, saintly me? I wouldn't harm a fly. _

I think I'm getting paranoid in my old age.

I knelt down to pull the blankets up to his chin when a certain unwelcome sensation insinuated itself on my ass. Miroku wore the same dreamy look, his hand languorously rubbing back and forth.

"Houshi..." I began tersely. The hand withdrew.

"Goodnight, Sango," he said, as though nothing had happened.

I contemplated his face for a moment; would it be wrong for me to horrifically pulverize a sick man? Deciding against it, I mentally filed it away under the list of debts to be collected when Miroku was well enough.

* * *

Inuyasha was the first to stir, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand as he walked over.

"Morning," I said, more like a statement than a greeting, poking the embers resolutely, pretending it was Miroku's face.

"Hrm," was his reply; the hanyou was as charming as ever.

A strange 'brrrr' sound split the air. Kagome tossed her alarm – some device from her world – away from her with a muffled groan, where it collided with a convenient rock and was silent.

I would have admired her throwing arm (and aim) if I wasn't already in such a foul mood.

"Oi, wench, get up already," called Inuyasha.

Sleepily, Kagome stumbled away to change out of her sleeping clothes into the usual scandalously short kimono. I would never say it to her face, though. It would have come off wrong, compared with my own top-to-toe slayers' outfit.

Rather than provoke Inuyasha's bad temper (which made mine look like a childish sulk) I dug into her yellow bag to fetch the leftover food from the previous night.

She reappeared soon enough, taking the food from me with a grateful smile. "Where's Miroku-sama?" she asked.

The mention of _that person _sent the blood rushing into my cheeks. "He's sick." I growled.

Nurse Kagome immediately clicked on. "Sango, really? Oh my. Have you given him anything?" She went over to the huddled bundle that was the miserable monk, completely forgetting about breakfast.

Needless to say, Inuyasha was less than pleased. "Damn lecher's probably playing possum," he muttered.

She ignored him, feeling Miroku's forehead. "You've a fever, Miroku-sama, but it's not very bad." Kagome rummaged in the dented medicine box, finally pulling out the same bottle of pills I had fed him earlier.

"I gave him those already, Kagome-chan," I interrupted quickly. The young miko blinked in surprise.

"Wow, Sango-chan," she said, admiration in her voice.

"Yes, wow, Sango," came the muffled voice from underneath the blanket.

"Quiet, you." I turned away so they wouldn't see my heated face. "I'm waiting for you to get better, houshi, so I can kill you."

Kagome raised an eyebrow at the prone monk. "What did _you_ do, Miroku-sama?" She closed up the box and packed it away into her backpack. "Don't tell me you – "

" – of course I didn't, Kagome-sama."

Inuyasha snorted loudly. "Keh," he said loudly, making sure everyone knew he was less than happy. "Of course he did, that shameless pervert."

Kagome turned wide eyes on me. "Did he, Sango-chan?"

"What else?" I managed through gritted teeth. She heaved a sigh of exasperation.

"I've been deprived for so long!' Miroku protested weakly. "My hand just... _shot_ out of its own accord, I swear!"

"Spare me," I snarled, sounding uncannily like Inuyasha.

Rolling her eyes, Kagome turned her attention back to breakfast. "We're not traveling today, Inuyasha," she told him as she worked.

Mumbling something about stupid perverts who didn't know how to take care of their own health (a sentiment I heartily agreed with), the hanyou reluctantly nodded. Even then, it was forced out of him by a steaming bowl of ramen and leftovers being held tantalizingly out of reach.

"What's with Miroku?" asked a sleepy voice. Shippou joined us, still rather bleary.

"Sick, so you have to be quiet today, Shippou-chan."

The little kitsune pouted. "But we were supposed to go to that village today, you said so last night."

The monk pushed himself into a sitting position. "It's a miracle! I'm feeling better already, so we can go after all."

I glared at him. "That's good. I have some unfinished business with you, you lech."

He lay back down again. "... On second thought, I still feel quite ill."

"You would, you shameless pervert."

By this time, Kagome had finished her breakfast. "Hey Sango-chan," she interjected brightly. "I really need to go and buy supplies, can you stay and look after Miroku-sama for me?"

My jaw fell open. _Not again... _

"Kagome-chan... !"

"Inuyasha, you come with me, I need you help me carry the things. You can come too, Shippou-chan." As she spoke, she was already edging away from the campsite.

I transferred my glare to the hapless hanyou. I could've sworn he gulped.

"Inuyasha..."

There was a silence as he mulled it over: which of the two females whose anger was he least willing to invoke? I stared harder, hoping to swing it my way.

No such luck; Kagome had the advantage (not to mention the ability to actually have him eating dirt). The hanyou made his excuses to me (which came out more like a squeak) and bolted off with Kagome on his back, Shippou wisely already off.

"Traitor!" I said aloud. So much for my friends. Real friends wouldn't leave me alone with Miroku.

Kagome's voice floated back to me."We'll be back this evening. Take good care of Miroku-sama!"

The man smirked. "I'm in your capable hands today, my dear Sango."

Unbelievable. Even as sick as he was, he could still spout his sexual innuendos.

I threw myself down in a huff. Kirara appeared from seemingly nowhere and mewed sympathetically.

"And where were you?' I asked accusingly. "You could have helped me."

If she was human, I think she might have shrugged. As it was, that treacherous feline took off as well.

"Sango," mumbled the monk from his sickbed.

"What?" I said grumpily; I was in no mood to play nursemaid. More like killer nurse.

"You have to admit it now; I'm hot."

"What?" I repeated, this time in a soprano squeak instead of the earlier bass growl.

Miroku put a hand on his flushed forehead. "Hot," he said matter-of-factly. "There's no way you can deny I'm hot."

_Spare me, please... This time I said _please_. _

I soaked the cloth in cold water and all but flung it onto his smirking face. "Shut up, you. How much longer until Kagome-chan gets back – and don't you dare answer that."

The monk shut his mouth tightly. My mouth a grim slash, I set about taking my methodical, calculated revenge on my co-called friends – starting by eating the Pocky. Every last crumb of it, then plant the packaging where Inuyasha and Shippou would find it.

Yep, revenge is sweet (as is the Pocky).


	12. Wet Dreams and Perverts

Miroku's POV

Time passes when one is having fun – or in my case, when one is in a violence-induced coma. The last thing I remember was reaching for Sango's ass when she ventured closer to change the wet rag on my forehead and a sharp blow to my skull.

When I next opened my eyes, Kagome and Inuyasha were back, both occasionally shooting me very disapproving looks. Sango's furious voice sounded in the background. I squeezed my eyes shut again; playing possum seemed to be the wisest option at the moment.

"... he groped me! That incurable, stupid pervert actually _groped _me!"

"Still, you shouldn't have hit him that hard," said Kagome. "I wonder whether he's permanently brain damaged from all the beatings you've been giving him."

Inuyasha snorted and prodded me with a toe. "Keh. Bouzu deserves all the beatings you can give him. How long does it take for a lesson to sink in?"

"Maybe he needs a rosary of his own."

They fell silent as they pondered the possibilities of collaring me.

"... Nah."

"Not possible."

Just when I was rejoicing at their thoughtfulness, Kagome interjected: "It'll kill him in a day."

Assorted snorting and giggling reverberated through the clearing. I burrowed down deeper in my nest and plotted revenge. I mean, I'm not that bad! Maybe Sango might be a little reckless with the use of the command. Maybe the girl would be worth it.

But still!

"What're you guys talking about?"

Ah, innocent, sweet Shippou. He trudged up, clutching one of his toys, eyes wide and round.

"We were talking about Miroku-sama, Shippou." Kagome patted her lap, inviting the little kitsune to hop on which he did gladly. "What would happen if we got him a rosary like Inuyasha's."

He sucked the lollipop she gave him thoughtfully. "Miroku'll be permanently planted face-first in the ground."

I expanded my field of revenge to include Shippou as I plotted from my sickbed as laughter sounded from the campfire.

Later that night (me feigning sleep throughout), I put my plan into action. It was a good thing I was feeling much better; if I knew Inuyasha, he wouldn't hesistate to kill me for what I was planning.

I rolled over and mumbled incoherently. Three pairs of eyes swiveled over and stared in my direction.

"Houshi-sama?" called Sango tentatively.

"Bouzu's asleep and dreaming," grunted Inuyasha.

"Mmmm... yes, Inuyasha." I leered as I formed the words. "Right there..."

I cracked open one eyelid and almost dissolved into laughter when I saw the identical looks of horror on all three of their faces.

Shippou blinked. "How come Miroku's dreaming about Inuyasha?"

Kagome absently patted his head and subtly pushed him off to bed, trying her best to contain her horror. "Dreams are pretty weird, Shippou. Nobody knows what strange things your brain will come up wi – " I was pleased to hear her rambling cut off in a sharp intake of breath when I jerked my body suggestively. I felt almost guilty for exposing poor impressionable Shippou to the vices of the world – but revenge was revenge.

_Strike while the iron is hot_, as Master Mushin used to say about taking revenge – or was he talking about women? Ah well. It didn't really matter right now.

Inuyasha was as red as his clothes now and if it hadn't been for Sango holding him back (either she was stronger than she looked or he was reluctant to hurt her; I can testify to the former) I would be meeting an untimely demise.

"That... that –_ fucking_ – pervert! I'll kill him! Damned lecherous – !"

"Inuyasha, language!" chided Kagome unecessarily. Both she and Sango were very red in the face.

_Hmm, I thought girls found guys fucking hot,_ I thought._ I guess not. One of these days I would have to find Harumi-san and tell her she was sick._

"Mmmm, Inuyasha... that feels so good..." I rolled around, disguising the fact my entire body was shaking with laughter as thrusts. "I didn't know you could do so many amazing things with your tongue!"

That did the trick. Both girls 'eep'ed loudly and clapped their hands over their ears, blushing furious red. Unfortunately, this meant Sango let go of Inuyasha...

Snarling furiously, he seized the front of my robes and began shaking violently. Everything became a blur for a few heart-stopping minutes. "Damn it, wake up, you fucking pervert!"

I pretended to yawn and blink bemusedly at him – and the hanyou promptly responded with a swift thump to my head.

"Inuyasha, what is it?" I grumbled realistically enough; stars swam before my vision. Damn, he hit hard. Almost as bad as Sango when she was bent on disembowelling me.

"You lecher!"

"... Isn't that Sango's line?"

The hanyou hit me again. "Bloody asshole..."

"What did I do? And why are you so red in the face?" I asked mischieviously.

"I – "

He stopped short, scrutinising me carefully. "You bastard!" he exclaimed, throwing me to one side. I was laughing as I went.

"Bastard was _faking_ it..."

Kagome, much to her credit, managed to look stern. "Miroku-sama! That was a nasty joke to play!"

"You should – have seen – the looks on your faces – " I wheezed through my laughter. If only I had one of those things from her time where one could preserve images – no doubt it would have been one of my most treasured possessions.

"Not funny, houshi," growled Sango.

"But it's true!" I sat up, wiping away tears of laughter. "You do have a very talented tongue, Inuyasha. I've seen you wrap it around – "

The next thing I knew, both Hiraikotsu and Inuyasha's fist were hurtling towards me. "Ouch!"

"Shut up, bouzu," muttered Inuyasha.

" – your ramen," I said hastily. "The amazingly fast way you gulp down your ramen. I mean, you practically stick your whole tongue into the cup! Why, what were you thinking? You're more perverted than I am. You too, Sango!"

At this point of time, the hanyou lost his temper. Red leaked into his eyes...

"... Oh crap."

… and he threw me into the river (yes, we always happen to set up camp near some water. It's convenient for cooking, drinking, bathing and furthering the plot).

I gasped; the water was icy. It didn't help that my robes soaked it up like a sponge.

Inuyasha grinned, the youki in his aura dissipating almost instantly. "You and your damned wet dreams, bouzu." Kagome giggled – that little minx – and Sango merely blushed.

With as much dignity as I could muster, I climbed out of the water and began wringing myself dry. "For all you know, Inuyasha," I said as snippily as I could between chattering teeth, "I could be dying tomorrow from this chill I'm sure to catch."

He shrugged. "No big loss." Crisis over, the hanyou had climbed back into the branch of the nearest tree. "We can easily find another houshi."

"I'm sure Sango would mind. Wouldn't you?" I asked brightly, ignoring the smugness on Inuyasha's face.

She refused to answer, devoting her full attention to stoking the campfire. Which, I might add, had burned down to ashes an hour ago.

I decided to let it slide – I had more pressing matters to think about, anyway. "My clothes are soaked," I complained, poking one sodden sleeve with a finger. "What am I going to wear?"

Inuyasha smirked. "Kagome and Sango are the only ones with spare clothes... What? Isn't this your glorious moment, the kind you've been dreaming about all your life, you filthy lech?"

"... When I said I wanted to get into my lovely Sango's clothes, this isn't exactly what I had in mind..."

The aforementioned lovely Sango clobbered me over the back of my head, now redder than ever. "Pervert."


	13. Bonus Chapter: Naraku and the Bad Day

**Author's Note:** I swore I would never do this because it went against my principles, but I sold those off on eBay a while back. Contains crack of the most extreme kind, with - gasp! - toilet humour, jokes in poor taste and blatant mockery of characters. Not part of the main plot, but a bonus chapter of randomly epic proportions. Enjoy - I think. ^__^;;

* * *

When Naraku opened his eyes, he had a feeling it was going to be one of _those days_. "I wonder what half-baked scheme that hanyou and his little friends have cooked up to try and finish me off," he mused aloud as he padded off to the sumptuous bathroom to wash his hair.

... Well, no matter how devious and evil one was, one still needed to put in a little effort to maintain hair like Naraku's – or Kagewaki's. Whatever.

The hanyou mulled over the day's plans as he crimped each ebony lock. "Let's see... sending out various detachments of myself? Done. Demon puppets? Yes. Numerous grand schemes which have them scratching their heads? Pssh."

By the time he left the bathroom, a very peeved Kagura was outside, tapping her foot impatiently. "Damn it, Naraku, you spend more time in there than a woman!" she ground out between gritted teeth.

Naraku sniffed. "I need to take care of my appearance – I have an evil reputation to maintain." He rolled his eyes as she hurried inside; he was wasting his time on her. Kagura would never understand the importance of good grooming. He expected no less from someone who wore a feather in her hair – not only was it unhygienic (goodness knew which diseased bird she had plucked it from) but also hopelessly outdated.

He was a man who kept up with the times; why else would he have discarded the baboon suit? Sure, it was warm and fluffy and made him look devious – but fur was also last season. Not many could cling to their furs and still look stylish, Sesshoumaru being the sole exception.

"Naraku!" came a strangled screech from the bathroom. "What did you do in here?!"

"It's the shouki," he called as he swept to his chambers.

Honestly, making a fuss over such a small thing... like _she_ had the right to complain about him. She was the _wind_, for goodness' sake!

Refusing to let such a petty thing get to him (it brought on unwanted wrinkles) Naraku walked into his throne room to begin the day's plotting.

"Kanna," he called. The little girl slipped in, her mirror clutched in her hands. "Show me the half-breed."

The image appeared, fuzzy and distorted. He frowned, slapping the side of the frame. Naraku hated it when his carefully laid plans went wrong; he had specifically built his stronghold in the side of a mountain so he could get good reception. After a hearty smack connected, the picture snapped into focus and sound crackled into life.

" – get moving, wench, the shards don't collect themselves!"

The evil hanyou sighed; Inuyasha was truly depressingly predictable.

The miko's voice made an angry retort out of the frame; Naraku motioned and Kagome's face came into view.

He had not quite forgiven her yet for daring to grope him; least of all when he hadn't been prepared for it. He'd not had his weekly hot spring soak because he'd been so busy keeping his incarnations from mauling one another and himself! Nobody respected villains at all these days – not even hard-working ones like him who tried ever so hard to keep up the standard. Honestly; how many devious creatures these days struck fear into the hearts of an entire country, the home of legends such as Godzilla?

Naraku had had enough; he dismissed Kanna with a wave of his hand. Forget the half-breed and his ragtag company; he would go and manipulate the only other being worthy of his attention: Sesshoumaru.

Now came his favourite part of the day; picking out an outfit. The hanyou almost regretted Jakotsu's death – the man had an eye for colour, though his style was a little too flamboyant for Naraku's taste. But at least he had learned he was a winter.

He browsed through the piles of clothes, trying on a few that caught his eye. Naraku scowled; most of his armour was too small to fit him now. He blamed the absorption of youkai for the expansion of his girth. Although he had been limiting himself to only the powerful ones, they certainly weren't easy on his waist.

In the end, he selected a flashy something which he had made himself out of discarded youkai parts, accessorizing the entire look with tentacles.

Naraku admired himself in the mirror. Sure, he looked pretty amazing, but he needed a second opinion...

"Kagura! Kanna! Kohaku!"

They trooped in; Kagura barely hiding her annoyance, Kanna emotionless as usual and Kohaku looking blank.

Naraku held out his arms. "What do you think?"

Kanna stared impassively. "I have no opinion."

"... Of course you don't. Why did I even call you in? You may leave."

Kohaku merely blinked; his eyes were glassy. One might have seen a fleeting glimpse of emotion stirring deep in his eyes if you cared to look, but it could be easily dismissed as suppressed memories surfacing...

... or perhaps horror at Naraku's atrocious fashion sense.

Naraku folded his arms. "That leaves you, Kagura – although I have no idea why I'm asking you. Even _Kouga_ has better dress sense; that wolf is the walking manifestation of _if you got it, flaunt it_."

"Then why bother asking me in the first place?" retorted the wind sorceress acidly – the Kouga remark had stung. It had taken her a while to find an outfit which looked good and didn't expose everything when she flew or used her wind attacks.

"Because I need a female opinion."

"Just because you have my heart – _literally_, I stress – doesn't mean I'm inclined to like your sense of fashion," she snorted. "But you know what? The real irony is that the woman you're trying to impress wore the same outfit her entire life – and death. What makes you think she'd appreciate tentacles and pointy armour?"

The evil demon considered it for a full second before smirking – evilly, of course. "Oh, I'm certain she'd like it. Who wouldn't?" He stroked one tentacle. "I mean, who doesn't love tentacles? The things you can do with them! Like sticking them into – "

Kagura cut him off before he could cause her brain to explode. "Right, lovely. Go with this look." She all but dashed out the door; he wondered why.

"Hey... why are you in such a hurry? I don't remember giving you any missions..."

* * *

In the end, Naraku opted to travel to Sesshoumaru by teleportation; it never failed to elicit a gasp of wonder from the brat traveling with him. The taiyoukai, on the other hand... he was so emotionless the hanyou wondered whether he had feelings like everyone else or he had gotten rid of them by some mysterious youkai art.

He planned his appearance meticulously; first purple shouki began to accumulate at a spot precisely five yards off the ground. Naraku would then step out casually from the dense cloud, tentacles swaying around his body, framing his face and hair.

It was designed to shock, terrify, send people scuttling for the hills – or in the indifferent Sesshoumaru's case, elicit a sound of acknowledgment – but the evil hanyou had not been expecting to be completely and utterly ignored.

The instant he stepped out of the dense shouki cloud, the taiyoukai swept it away with a wave of his hand.

Naraku did his best to conceal a whine. "Sesshoumaru," he intoned in a bass growl.

Nothing. Not even a flicker of his eyes. This time, he was unable to keep the despondent look off his face.

"Sorry, Naraku," said an apologetic Rin as she walked past. "Sesshoumaru-sama's been _really_ distracted these few days, ever since we met up with Inuyasha-sama, Kagome-sama and their friends."

All he could do was stand there, rooted to the ground. He, Naraku, the evil hanyou who was an agglutination of the foulest, most powerful youkai in all Japan – he was ignored by Sesshoumaru and getting sympathy from a little human girl.

Things were not going his way.

Instead of sulking – no, evil hanyou don't sulk, they _brood_ – Naraku decided to swallow his pride and pay a visit to Inuyasha. Maybe taunting them and watching them scuttle like ants would cheer him up – never mind what had happened the previous time.

* * *

"Ku ku ku ku ku..."

Slowly, the sky began to darken. Purple clouds swirled menacingly overhead. Saimyoshou hovered around the vicinity – Kagome could have sworn one of them was holding a trumpet.

All in all, it was a perfectly staged entrance.

Naraku himself soon appeared, surrounded by gently undulating tentacles. "Inuyasha," he intoned. "I have come to destroy you and your miserable friends – especially the miko – for that insult upon my person!"

He paused to let the words sink in for maximum dramatic effect, waiting for the battle cries that were sure to erupt in response to his challenge.

A bit too late, the evil hanyou noticed they had not moved a muscle; all eyes were on Kagome as she steadily turned a brilliant magenta.

"Am I never going to live_ that _down?!" she groaned.

"You have to admit, Kagome-sama, it _was_ truly an unforgettable sight," beamed Miroku. Sango scowled and rapped his head with her Hiraikotsu.

Naraku glanced at them all in turn – they were ignoring him, even the little kitsune. His tentacles visibly drooped a little. He released a puff of shouki which made them all cough to subtly remind them of his presence.

"I'm going to kill you all and take those fragments of the Shikon jewel you carry!" he shrieked.

Inuyasha raised an eyebrow. "... Are you gonna grope him again, wench?"

"NO!" squeaked a mortified Kagome. "I told you, Inuyasha, it was just for one day..."

"Just as well." The silver-haired hanyou ran his eyes over the now distinctly limp tentacles. "Don't see what's too appealing about _that_."

It was the final straw. His body swelling with indignant rage – and a good dose of secreted shouki – Naraku's form rippled and shifted, becoming a mass of flesh, legs and tentacles; his torso was perched on top of the entire construct.

Transforming meant the complete destruction of yet another outfit but he was too angry to care.

"Die!" he shrieked, sending flailing tentacles and shouki in their direction. Nobody – okay, Sesshoumaru was the lone exception – ignored him and lived to tell the tale. He would never be able to show his face at the Villains' Convention. That Voldemort-whatsisface already had people too terrified to say his name; he was going to have to work doubly hard to reach that standard.

The flurry of poison had them scurrying into action; the familiar cry of "Kaze no Kizu!" was echoing around the clearing.

So far so good; the monk's fingers were twitching around the prayer beads on his right hand. Time to call in the saimyoshou. The sky quickly filled with buzzing insects.

Naraku smiled as more shouki filled the air; vision soon became impossible. Rounds of coughing and choking echoed.

"I'll purify it!" shouted Kagome. A flash of blue light and the poison dissipated. Naraku ducked as the arrow made for his chest. It missed, severing a tentacle.

The evil hanyou cursed under his breath. His favourite tentacle, gone; the one he – had, let's say, spent many a happy night alone with – cut off and lying discarded on the ground.

"Purify this, miko!" he shrieked, desperately keeping the hysterical note out of his voice. More purple fumes filled the air and everyone disappeared from sight.

Naraku heard the whizz of another sacred arrow but nothing happened. "My arrow didn't work!" gasped Kagome in between coughs.

"That's because it ain't shouki, wench," gagged Inuyasha. From the muffled sound of his voice, the evil hanyou guessed he had jammed his face into his sleeve; the thought made him chuckle. "You don't really wanna know what it is..."

"Ku ku ku ku ku..." Dirty tactics, as long as they helped him win, were very much welcome.

"Oh, for the love of..." Kagome's voice rang out over the various sounds of coughing and choking; Naraku swooped in that direction and groped for the Shikon shards. She squealed and put up a furious fight but soon his fingers closed on something hard and cold and he withdrew triumphantly.

"Consider that revenge for violating my innocence!" shouted Naraku. He vanished with a triumphant pop.

* * *

Safely back in his castle, Naraku reached into his kimono to examine his prize. He frowned; there was no aura of power surrounding it...

"What is this – eyeshadow?!"

It was a round metallic tin; inside was pink eyeshadow of the exact same shade the slayer wore...

"Oh snap." He had gone after the wrong woman.

"... Well, at least the monk has another reason to want to kill me," mumbled Naraku. "And I have a prize, nonetheless."

It was really a pretty shade of pink; he could not resist dabbing a little on his eyelids. Calling Kanna in to bring the mirror, he admired his reflection happily.

"Sango certainly has good taste," he said, pouting and fluttering his eyelashes. "Wouldn't have thought it possible – look at her, she's more manly than most other men." Like that Sesshoumaru. He wore eyeshadow and a _boa_, for goodness' sake! The man was no youkai overlord, he was a damn _queen_.

Naraku conveniently ignored the fact that the taiyoukai's ensemble brought out his eyes and hair.

He decided to go over the roll call of his incarnations – or children, as he liked to think of them. Yes, children. Children who laughed in a creepy way, who had a penchant for plotting his demise and who had committed numerous crimes against fashion (for the life of him, Naraku couldn't think why over-accessorizing was considered a crime).

He wiped a discreet tear from his eye which fell to the floor and sizzled a hole through. They were definitely his children.

"Kagura, Hakudoshi!"

They trooped in, wearing identical grumpy expressions. "What?" asked the boy sulkily.

"No particular reason, just wanted to see how many of my offspring I had left." He checked off their names on his list with a flourish.

Kagura rolled her eyes – and widened them abruptly.

"Naraku, what is_ that_ you're wearing?"

"You like it?" Pleased, he fluttered his eyelids. "Eyeshadow. Stole it from the slayer – not your precious Sesshoumaru, mind. Pretty as he may be, I'm assuredly straight."

The wind sorceress was struck by a hacking coughing fit which sounded strangely like the words, "Yeah right."

Hakudoshi appeared unaffected – though it was hard to tell. Very little invoked any kind of facial expression from him. "Wonderful," he said dryly. "Now can I go? I promise I won't get myself needlessly killed for a while yet."

Naraku waved an airy hand. "Oh, alright. You may leave me." He secretly squealed; he had been waiting a long time to say that.

Once the incarnations had cleared the room, the hanyou surveyed the list and noted the many crossed-off names. The paper was practically black and soaked with ink.

"Hrm," he mused. "Maybe it's time I produced another incarnation?" At the same time, he would lose the extra weight he had gained after absorbing the oni. A win-win situation, if he ever thought of one.

Of course, the incarnation would eventually either die at the hands of Inuyasha and his pesky friends or try to overthrow him and end up rejoining his body.

Naraku dismissed the thought – he had enough devious planning to do without having to factor multiple betrayals into the equation. He would just grow more tentacles, they wouldn't betray him. Another bonus of being a conglomeration of demons was the regrowing factor. He changed body parts like other fashionistas changed outfits in his continuous quest for perfection. It also made changing his mind ridiculously easy.

He couldn't believe all his efforts in creating the perfect bishounen had gone largely unnoticed; surely his enemies would have noticed the sheer number of times he let them blast his physical form to pieces? To quote one of Jakotsu's maxims: When in doubt, discard and start over from scratch.

Naraku let it go – no one in feudal Japan would understand him.


	14. You Sacrificed Your Integrity for Ramen?

**Author's Note: **Wow, three months between updates ^_^;;; Sorry for the wait! Hope you enjoy this chapter, lame humour and all.

* * *

Sango's POV

Things – unbelievably – had simmered down a little since Naraku's attack (in which he groped me and stole my supply of eyeshadow). Miroku was back to normal, if not more hellbent on killing Naraku.

"The bastard groped my Sango!" he complained loudly as we embarked on another day of travelling. "Nobody but I should get away with that!"

I hit him over the back of the head. "Nobody should get away with that," he hastily amended.

Scowling, I ignored him. It was going to be a long day.

* * *

Surprisingly enough, despite my gloomy predictions of doom, the day turned out like any other – minus the scuffles with minor youkai. It was a perfect day in the literal sense; the sun shone throughout but it was never too hot. Inuyasha sulked but did not do anything that earned him an "Osuwari!" from Kagome. Shippou kept to his own devices. The biggest pervert in the province of Musashi (or whichever province we happened to find ourselves in) was remarkably well-behaved.

In the light of the circumstances, it was no wonder I was beaming as I settled down in the camp for the night.

"It's been quite a nice day, hasn't it?" Kagome echoed my thoughts, a smile on her face as she flopped down on the grass beside me.

"Wonderful," I enthused. Kirara yawned and stretched.

She ran her fingers through her hair – barely mussed by the wind, and tangle-free to boot. Whatever deity had blessed us was a meticulous one indeed.

"What would make the day truly perfect would be a convenient, nearby hot spring," sighed the young girl. "And with our luck today, we just might find one around the corner..."

Miroku emerged from the forest at that moment, back from scouting the area. "Ladies, you'll be pleased to know that there's a hot spring not far from here," he said, grinning madly.

I threw a pebble at him, taking care to miss him but only just. Kagome laughed. "Thank you, holy deities of hot springs!"

"I hope it's secluded enough to deter Peeping Toms," I said loudly. Miroku pretended not to hear, settling himself by the fire.

Inuyasha snorted. "You're all mad." He leaned back against the fallen log, arching his back. "Humans and bathing. Keh. I don't see what all the fuss is about."

"Well, you ought to." Kagome walked over to him; her bathing supplies were already gathered in her arms. "_You_ spent the past fifty years pinned to a tree, mister."

"And judging from the way you act, I think you'd want to spend fifty years in a hot spring," he shot back. "I've never seen anyone make such a racket over a bath like you, Kagome."

They continued bickering in that vein for a while; I rolled my eyes, seeing that they were not putting any heart into their fight. Neither was in the mood for anything serious – and for that matter, neither was I.

"They're at their happiest like this, I think," remarked Miroku.

"... Why is it you always show up with a comment every time Inuyasha and Kagome-chan are bickering like this?"

"A gift." He smirked and moved closer to me. "Since Kagome-sama is otherwise occupied, may I – "

" – No."

"But I only – "

" – no." I stood up, brushing off my clothes. "I know what you're going to ask, and the answer is no, no and yes."

He snapped to attention. "Yes?"

I stared hard. "I was joking. I meant no, of course."

Miroku pouted. "And here I was, thinking your true feelings for me had finally surfaced."

I laughed. "Nice try, Houshi-sama."

" – and so there!" Kagome neatly rounded off the argument, turning her attention to me. "Let's go, Sango-chan," she said, taking me by the arm, "away from that annoying, _insufferable _– " The rest of her sentence was mumbled to herself.

" – hanyou with excellent hearing," called Inuyasha. Her back stiffened but she kept walking.

"Jerk," muttered Kagome darkly as we undressed (after a thorough check for lurking perverts).

"People don't usually smile as they say a word like that," I teased her gently.

Kagome dismissed me with a very Inuyasha-like 'Keh' as she settled into the hot water. "Just the right temperature too," she said aloud.

""Keh"? You _have_ been spending too much time around Inuyasha." I exhaled as I entered the water – she was right. It felt heavenly on sore, aching muscles.

"... So how are things between you and Miroku-sama, Sango-chan?"

"Interesting – if there was actually something between us in the first place," I answered.

Kagome pulled a face. "Denial. It isn't just a river in Egypt any more."

"What?"

"... Never mind." She sighed and rinsed her hair. "Sango-chan, you can't be serious. Especially not after the other day, when we walked in on you both – "

I could feel my face growing hotter – and it was not because of the hot water. "N – no! We weren't doing anything like that, for goodness' sake..."

"Like what?"

"Like – like whatever you're thinking, Kagome-chan. And don't smile at me like that, sometimes you're as bad as Houshi-sama, I swear."

She responded by splashing me in the face with water. "Honestly, Sango-chan. To think you would think so lowly of your best friend...!"

I giggled. This were the times I liked best: no Naraku, no fighting, no sadness. Just two girls having fun away from the world, even for only a while. Time would seem to stop –

– I paused, halfway through deluging a simultaneously choking and laughing Kagome. Now, if only a certain pervert could be induced to stop...

"What is it, Sango-chan?"

I raised an eyebrow at her and she rolled her eyes. "I should have known," groaned the young girl, sinking into the safety of the water. "It was too good to be true!"

"Come out, you pervert!" I shouted, fumbling for my towel on the rocks with one hand and taking up a suitable weapon with the other.

"Okay."

"Agh!"

Miroku stepped out, wearing nothing but his fundoshi and a smirk. "I didn't mean literally!" I gasped as Kagome ran for cover with a shriek.

He raised an eyebrow. "I'm filthy. I've just recovered from illness – which doubtless would have lasted longer if not for your devoted care, Sango – and you ladies are taking a rather long time."

By this time, Kagome had reached her towel and wound it around herself, red in the face (though whether from embarrassment, outrage or the hot water was anyone's guess). "M – Miroku-sama!" she spluttered. "You shameless, annoying, perverted – !"

" – that's my line," I muttered, holding up my weapon. Ah. A good-sized tree branch, light enough not to leave lasting damage but heavy enough to teach an incorrigible lecher a lesson he would not forget in a hurry. The deities were back in business.

Kagome was already fully dressed but still steaming – quite literally, actually. It _was_ a hot spring. "I'm going back to camp." she announced, and took off before Miroku and I could say anything.

He was eyeing the makeshift cudgel with a great deal of apprehension. "Eh – Sango, what are you doing with that? It's very kind of you to tidy up the general area – erm, you can put that down now – "

I took an experimental swing – and missed him by a sizeable margin; not bad, considering I was trying my best not to look at him. I did not need to lower myself to his level!

"Sango? You'd improve your aim drastically if you'd just open your eyes a fraction – oh, that was a good try!" I could hear Miroku's voice, see a flash of skin as he leapt back and forth... "...Unless you're trying not to lower yourself to my level?"

"One of us is already the incurable, perverted lecher, houshi!" I yelled.

And then things went awry as the deities lost interest. Or rather, as part of me likes to think, their interest took a frankly unhealthy slant.

His fundoshi slipped down.

I heard the fabric rustle – and for a moment, thought it was the glove on his right hand. After a few moments of silence minus howling winds and the rapid removal of my body from the world, I was forced to conclude it was not the misplaced article – and remembered the only other garment Miroku was wearing.

"Sango?"

Oh damn – he was laughing. The wretched pervert was laughing at me.

"Pervert!" I whirled around, snatching up my clothes.

"Well, thanks for helping me," came his amused voice. "Won't you join me? It's a bit lonely bathing alone..."

"No!" I squeaked.

Kagome really should take better care of her stuff. All those strange, sweet-smelling liquid and solid soaps; it was a wonder anyone could keep track of all of them.

As it turned out, she missed one piece of soap. Which happened to be strategically placed in my path.

I slipped and fell back into the hot spring – right on top of Miroku.

"So glad you decided to change your mind," came his smooth voice, right after the water had calmed somewhat from my fall.

Damn him. Damn him and all the assorted deities that had engineered this (and him again for undoubtedly thanking them).

With as much dignity as I could muster, I climbed out (my towel still magically tied around me), picked up my sodden clothing and stalked away.

* * *

"You let Miroku-sama wander off?!" screeched Kagome. Inuyasha winced, his ears flattened against his skull.

"There was ramen – and then when I looked up, he was gone – "

Kagome poked the empty cups in disbelief. "... You sacrificed your integrity for ramen?"

"It was good ramen, and it would've gotten cold."

She shook her head. "I can't believe my ears."

Inuyasha blinked at his good fortune – he had already positioned himself over the softest patch of grass in the campsite.

When a few more moments passed and he was sure she was not going to sit him, he ventured a tentative query. "Where's Sango?"

Kagome smiled – and one ear twitched. "She was about to flatten Miroku-sama when I left."

"Really?"

The miko stared at the very un-Inuyashalike response. "What?"

"Well, there's Sango and Miroku and a convenient, nearby hot spring. And they aren't wearing much clothing," began Inuyasha hesitantly, "so there's no guessing what's gonna happen next!"

There was complete silence for a full minute.

Kagome's jaw dropped. "INUYASHA! Did you just say that – Eeuw, no! Why are you talking like one of my – wait, you didn't."

She seized him by the front of his robes. "Inuyasha, you wouldn't happen to have... _taken_ anything from my time recently, have you?"

"Nothing," gulped the hanyou. "Just one of those man-ga books your brother showed me that time lying around your room..."

Kagome let go, blushing a furious scarlet. "My doujinshi! You didn't – Inuyasha – I – OSUWARI!"

_So much for being lucky,_ he thought as he kissed the ground.


End file.
